Responsibilities
Aug. 7th, 2010 01:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soc_puppet*sigh* Right. There's some stuff I need to do, and it is my hope that, by posting about them, I will be more motivated to get off my ass. (Those of you who follow Hyperbole and a Half [WARNING: do not eat or drink anything while reading this blog; it will not end pleasantly] may remember that part from This is Why I'll Never be an Adult recall the bit about the guilt spiral:
I totally have that whole thing going, and blame my Catholic upbringing for at least half of it.) Other people knowing about stuff helps increase my sense of responsibility, thus increasing the likelihood that I'll follow through. See also: group projects vs. solo projects (which is relevant to this post, actually).
Anyhow, responsibility stuff.
Thing the first: My health.
This is thing the first because it's what I feel least guilty about. I imagine it's because society implies that my individual value is so low, that my opinions of my health are irrelevant, etc - which, yes, I know is complete BS, which is why I am taking steps to try and correct this.
Item the first (TMI): I have not had my period for two months. I'm tempted to go into detail about how I even know this, when I usually don't keep such good track of it, but we'll skip this for now. Anyhow, this was mildly worrying, especially as a corollary to my low iron count (I'm not desperately anemic, but I can't donate, either, and apparently this would be my Two Gallon Mark, too), except then some other stuff started to come up.
Item the second: Yesterday, I tripped! I misstepped on a curb, banged my right big toe up, and scraped my left knee. This in itself would not be such a big deal, except then, as far as I can tell, I basically went into shock(?). [Disclaimer: I don't know for certain that it was shock! I just know that going into shock-reaction-position kept me from getting horribly dizzy, helped me to deal with the pain better, etc. Water also helped.] It was really hot and humid out, as it is prone to being in the Midwest in the summer, which probably contributed, but still. I do not like this reaction for "just" falling and scraping myself up!
Possibility: I hurt my knee worse than I thought. This might help explain why my knee is incredibly sore/tight still today. On the other hand, it could also be that I'm just getting older (though I thought this was supposed to be more a mid-thirties thing than an early-twenties thing?) or getting heavier. Which, well, more on that in number four, I think.
Item the third: My sleep schedule. I managed to get non-nocturnal for AI pretty easily, actually! And then promptly screwed it up again. OH WELL. Still, something to consider, when taken with everything else, possibly.
Item the fourth: Weight gain? Er, well, Mom confronted me on my weight-gain-since-I'd-moved-out on the Wednesday before the fourth of July. I figured it was probably due to my diet and exercise changes in the same time, but also said I'd look into it. This lead me into finding out that long-term use of one of my meds is associated with weight gain. Is it associated with this much weight gain, though? I'm trying to be as fat positive as possible (and I'm actually doing pretty damn good whenever I think about how soft my tummy is ♥), but if it is a symptom of something else, well. That could be worrying.
Anyhow, the first one was worrying me the most, but I thought it might just be related to a poorer diet since I'd gone off the school year (fewer days starting with cereal, which has about every vitamin companies can spray on it), and figured I might be able to fix by adding a vitamin to my routine, and/or with Roommate C (who actually cooks with vegetables sometimes, and is usually up to sharing) back from his summer job. But taken mostly with the second, I'm rather more worried.
All these things taken into account, I think it's high time I had a doctor's appointment. (And if they try and fat shame me, they can... go do something they find unpleasant! So there!)
Thing the second: My job
God, where do I even start with this /)_(\
Okay, so. I failed at life! They handed out this nice sheet at the end of the year, with the dates for the kickoff meeting and when we'd be bidding for routes. And they also called to make sure we still had the sheet, and if not, did we want a reminder for when things were?
I still had my sheet. Somewhere. Still do, still somewhere. Foolishly (and likely also because I was in Nocturnal Mode and had been woken up in the daytime how dare they even think of calling me then), I declined getting date reminders when I got my call. I also put off digging up the form. I figured they'd call again, or I'd get a reminder postcard in the mail, like the one they sent last year.
Only guess what? I didn't. Every time I remembered, "Hey, I should probably look up that thing!" I, uh. Flaked out.
And then I got a call in the middle of Monday, while I was re-establishing my ruined sleep schedule post-AnimeIowa, asking if I was still intending to drive a school bus this year. Because I had missed the kickoff meeting. And also bidding for routes. But there were two routes left if I wanted one! Or a sub driver position! I just also needed to get my health card updated - had I gone in when I was scheduled to at the end of last year?
(I had actually gone in to get my card updated, but it required my psychiatrist to sign off on my meds, so I had to make a trip over to that office to get that taken care of, except apparently they needed my clearance to fax the information back over to the first office, and didn't bother to call and tell me, and in my defense I had no idea that I would need to call and ask if they needed anything like that. I AM USED TO PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO HANDLE THINGS WITHOUT MY INPUT, OKAY. Unless it's, like, Important Registration Questions or something. Then I'm needed. But come on! It's effing paperwork! I'd already signed a bunch of disclosure crap at the first office, not to mention the exact same shit the first time my health card was going through; I thought it would carry over to the second office/renewal! [/justification rant])
So I got the disclosure paperwork signed on Wednesday when I had an appointment already conveniently scheduled with my psychiatrist, and now, rather than them faxing it over, as was the original intent back in June, I need to drive twenty minutes out of town and hand-deliver it.
And that's if I want either of the routes available, or the sub driver position, because! It occurred to me: over AI weekend, I'd heard from Former Roommate P that the city bus station she worked for was low on staff. And cities give out hella good benefits. My hometown offers pretty much the perfect package for bus drivers (I basically live on the border between two cities, FTR), but still: benefits. Benefits good.
So I have a decision to make. I want to keep driving a bus (I'm already trained for it and it's good money, even if some of the customers can be damn annoying), so I could: A) Sign up for one of the routes still available or the sub driver position (provided they're still available; I've not been as quick as I probably should have, but, well, Guilt Spiral; I slept through Monday in an attempt to escape thinking about it - I don't wanna talk about that at all, either), work through the year, and remember to go to the right stuff next year; B) Apply for a job where my friend works, and if I get it, regrettably inform my employers that after much self-examination I've found work elsewhere; or C) Sign up for one of the hopefully still available routes/sub driver position and wait for something else to open up - be it for a route I would like better, or a position at Hometown's bus station.
I'm pretty sure we have gaming tomorrow, in which P is a participant, so I can at least make overtures about that then. I can probably also drop off paperwork at the doctor's place tomorrow, even if my workplace isn't open until Monday (which is probably the case). And then I can make a more informed decision from there.
Thing the third: My story for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
kinked
While the second and first things have a greater probability of fucking up my life by going badly, I still feel pretty bad about this.
See, I went into AI weekend with roughly 3500 words written, of 10,000 or more. I'd already been planning to truncate the plot, since I'd discovered I was more wordy than I thought and hadn't gotten nearly as far as I'd have liked.
And then AI ate up pretty much all of my energy and concentration (would you believe I'd forgotten that staffing a convention requires occasionally socializing? *wry*). I'd planned to write in a completely pathetic PM apologizing for not being able to call quits on time and leading people on when I was clearly incapable of completing the thing on time, but Guilt Spiral started on Sunday, and then Job Shit hit on Monday, and now it's a big steaming pile of Do Not Want.
I need to write in and let them know that Shit Has Happened, apologize profusely, and almost certainly back out. I might still be able to finish by the time the month is half-over, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on my collaborator(s? WTF is/was going on there anyhow, I was gonna ask, though now it almost seems moot), so. Backing out is probably my best option. *sigh* I really didn't want to let anyone else down, either (see: the collaboration vs. solo project thing mentioned above). I hate doing that. But better to let people know as soon as possible, rather than keep them dangling.
Which I will. Before I answer any hypothetical replies to this entry, even. (Well, unless they're from mod(s)/collaborator(s) for the Story In Question, that is.) Because it Needs To Be Done.
I'll probably also be asking at least Roommate C to help nag me into taking responsible action tomorrow, because tonight it's not going to happen. (Even if tonight is already technically tomorrow.) But I will take care of things. I will. Because even if owning one's mistakes doesn't make up for them, or guarantee that they will not be repeated, it's still a step in the right direction.
The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it. The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination. It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.
I totally have that whole thing going, and blame my Catholic upbringing for at least half of it.) Other people knowing about stuff helps increase my sense of responsibility, thus increasing the likelihood that I'll follow through. See also: group projects vs. solo projects (which is relevant to this post, actually).
Anyhow, responsibility stuff.
Thing the first: My health.
This is thing the first because it's what I feel least guilty about. I imagine it's because society implies that my individual value is so low, that my opinions of my health are irrelevant, etc - which, yes, I know is complete BS, which is why I am taking steps to try and correct this.
Item the first (TMI): I have not had my period for two months. I'm tempted to go into detail about how I even know this, when I usually don't keep such good track of it, but we'll skip this for now. Anyhow, this was mildly worrying, especially as a corollary to my low iron count (I'm not desperately anemic, but I can't donate, either, and apparently this would be my Two Gallon Mark, too), except then some other stuff started to come up.
Item the second: Yesterday, I tripped! I misstepped on a curb, banged my right big toe up, and scraped my left knee. This in itself would not be such a big deal, except then, as far as I can tell, I basically went into shock(?). [Disclaimer: I don't know for certain that it was shock! I just know that going into shock-reaction-position kept me from getting horribly dizzy, helped me to deal with the pain better, etc. Water also helped.] It was really hot and humid out, as it is prone to being in the Midwest in the summer, which probably contributed, but still. I do not like this reaction for "just" falling and scraping myself up!
Possibility: I hurt my knee worse than I thought. This might help explain why my knee is incredibly sore/tight still today. On the other hand, it could also be that I'm just getting older (though I thought this was supposed to be more a mid-thirties thing than an early-twenties thing?) or getting heavier. Which, well, more on that in number four, I think.
Item the third: My sleep schedule. I managed to get non-nocturnal for AI pretty easily, actually! And then promptly screwed it up again. OH WELL. Still, something to consider, when taken with everything else, possibly.
Item the fourth: Weight gain? Er, well, Mom confronted me on my weight-gain-since-I'd-moved-out on the Wednesday before the fourth of July. I figured it was probably due to my diet and exercise changes in the same time, but also said I'd look into it. This lead me into finding out that long-term use of one of my meds is associated with weight gain. Is it associated with this much weight gain, though? I'm trying to be as fat positive as possible (and I'm actually doing pretty damn good whenever I think about how soft my tummy is ♥), but if it is a symptom of something else, well. That could be worrying.
Anyhow, the first one was worrying me the most, but I thought it might just be related to a poorer diet since I'd gone off the school year (fewer days starting with cereal, which has about every vitamin companies can spray on it), and figured I might be able to fix by adding a vitamin to my routine, and/or with Roommate C (who actually cooks with vegetables sometimes, and is usually up to sharing) back from his summer job. But taken mostly with the second, I'm rather more worried.
All these things taken into account, I think it's high time I had a doctor's appointment. (And if they try and fat shame me, they can... go do something they find unpleasant! So there!)
Thing the second: My job
God, where do I even start with this /)_(\
Okay, so. I failed at life! They handed out this nice sheet at the end of the year, with the dates for the kickoff meeting and when we'd be bidding for routes. And they also called to make sure we still had the sheet, and if not, did we want a reminder for when things were?
I still had my sheet. Somewhere. Still do, still somewhere. Foolishly (and likely also because I was in Nocturnal Mode and had been woken up in the daytime how dare they even think of calling me then), I declined getting date reminders when I got my call. I also put off digging up the form. I figured they'd call again, or I'd get a reminder postcard in the mail, like the one they sent last year.
Only guess what? I didn't. Every time I remembered, "Hey, I should probably look up that thing!" I, uh. Flaked out.
And then I got a call in the middle of Monday, while I was re-establishing my ruined sleep schedule post-AnimeIowa, asking if I was still intending to drive a school bus this year. Because I had missed the kickoff meeting. And also bidding for routes. But there were two routes left if I wanted one! Or a sub driver position! I just also needed to get my health card updated - had I gone in when I was scheduled to at the end of last year?
(I had actually gone in to get my card updated, but it required my psychiatrist to sign off on my meds, so I had to make a trip over to that office to get that taken care of, except apparently they needed my clearance to fax the information back over to the first office, and didn't bother to call and tell me, and in my defense I had no idea that I would need to call and ask if they needed anything like that. I AM USED TO PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO HANDLE THINGS WITHOUT MY INPUT, OKAY. Unless it's, like, Important Registration Questions or something. Then I'm needed. But come on! It's effing paperwork! I'd already signed a bunch of disclosure crap at the first office, not to mention the exact same shit the first time my health card was going through; I thought it would carry over to the second office/renewal! [/justification rant])
So I got the disclosure paperwork signed on Wednesday when I had an appointment already conveniently scheduled with my psychiatrist, and now, rather than them faxing it over, as was the original intent back in June, I need to drive twenty minutes out of town and hand-deliver it.
And that's if I want either of the routes available, or the sub driver position, because! It occurred to me: over AI weekend, I'd heard from Former Roommate P that the city bus station she worked for was low on staff. And cities give out hella good benefits. My hometown offers pretty much the perfect package for bus drivers (I basically live on the border between two cities, FTR), but still: benefits. Benefits good.
So I have a decision to make. I want to keep driving a bus (I'm already trained for it and it's good money, even if some of the customers can be damn annoying), so I could: A) Sign up for one of the routes still available or the sub driver position (provided they're still available; I've not been as quick as I probably should have, but, well, Guilt Spiral; I slept through Monday in an attempt to escape thinking about it - I don't wanna talk about that at all, either), work through the year, and remember to go to the right stuff next year; B) Apply for a job where my friend works, and if I get it, regrettably inform my employers that after much self-examination I've found work elsewhere; or C) Sign up for one of the hopefully still available routes/sub driver position and wait for something else to open up - be it for a route I would like better, or a position at Hometown's bus station.
I'm pretty sure we have gaming tomorrow, in which P is a participant, so I can at least make overtures about that then. I can probably also drop off paperwork at the doctor's place tomorrow, even if my workplace isn't open until Monday (which is probably the case). And then I can make a more informed decision from there.
Thing the third: My story for
kinkedWhile the second and first things have a greater probability of fucking up my life by going badly, I still feel pretty bad about this.
See, I went into AI weekend with roughly 3500 words written, of 10,000 or more. I'd already been planning to truncate the plot, since I'd discovered I was more wordy than I thought and hadn't gotten nearly as far as I'd have liked.
And then AI ate up pretty much all of my energy and concentration (would you believe I'd forgotten that staffing a convention requires occasionally socializing? *wry*). I'd planned to write in a completely pathetic PM apologizing for not being able to call quits on time and leading people on when I was clearly incapable of completing the thing on time, but Guilt Spiral started on Sunday, and then Job Shit hit on Monday, and now it's a big steaming pile of Do Not Want.
I need to write in and let them know that Shit Has Happened, apologize profusely, and almost certainly back out. I might still be able to finish by the time the month is half-over, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on my collaborator(s? WTF is/was going on there anyhow, I was gonna ask, though now it almost seems moot), so. Backing out is probably my best option. *sigh* I really didn't want to let anyone else down, either (see: the collaboration vs. solo project thing mentioned above). I hate doing that. But better to let people know as soon as possible, rather than keep them dangling.
Which I will. Before I answer any hypothetical replies to this entry, even. (Well, unless they're from mod(s)/collaborator(s) for the Story In Question, that is.) Because it Needs To Be Done.
I'll probably also be asking at least Roommate C to help nag me into taking responsible action tomorrow, because tonight it's not going to happen. (Even if tonight is already technically tomorrow.) But I will take care of things. I will. Because even if owning one's mistakes doesn't make up for them, or guarantee that they will not be repeated, it's still a step in the right direction.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-08-07 10:45 am (UTC)I've definitely been where you are...I lost a paying job because I was too scared to check my business email on the grounds I didn't deserve a paying job. Losing said job also involved losing the respect of a member of the faculty who was my mentor for two years. It's taken two years to get things between us back to how they were. Then there's the matter of my PhD and how demanding, daunting and exhausting it is. Basically...if I start finding myself wanting to curl into a ball, tell myself how much I suck and stop working because I don't deserve success, I remind myself of what'll happen if I do fail. (In my case, lose my scholarship, apartment, job options and have to move back home, which is Saudi Arabia and never see my fiance again.) Reminding myself what I have to lose tends to kick me back into fighting.
Good luck. You're thinking about this stuff and analysing your reasons for it, which is excellent. [hugs a lot]
no subject
Date: 2010-08-16 09:25 am (UTC)I managed to get things more-or-less sorted out, which was much less painful than I had thought, yay \o/ Work starts in a couple of hours ♥ I'll be subbing for someone on vacation or medical leave or similar, so I'll have a steady route, until something more permanent opens up that I can bid on. Go, team me! I'm also glad that things worked out well for you.
*yay, hugs! hugging back now* Thinking about stuff can help me get it done. And it's generally informative to me, as well. So, in general, I like doing it :3b
no subject
Date: 2010-08-08 04:38 am (UTC)Story: Life Happens. Honestly I have ten thousand things to get done before September and possibly some RL stuff Happening as well(not directly to me, but still impacting), so while I would make time to do art for the Story, not having to do art right now wouldn't make me pout at you. ^^;
(also, out of curiosity - they assigned you more than one media person?)
no subject
Date: 2010-08-16 09:35 am (UTC)XD I would still love to have you do art for the Story ♥ I'm not entirely sure when I'll have it done, but by September is almost certainly out ^^a
(Yeah, I have basically no idea what is going on there. Not long after I got your e-mail that we were matched up, I got a PM from the mods saying that I'd been matched with Coyo for both media-thing and beta-ing, with no mention of you. Naturally, I am quite confused! This is probably moot point by now, though.)
...On a related note, my Brilliant Plan of "wait to reply to comments until I make my dropping out official" seems to have failed miserably ._.a I will admit, I'm probably placing too much stock in the "Hope the problem will go away if I ignore it" option; even if it is logical (I never replied to say that I had a draft finished by the deadline, alas), it would still be polite to say something officially, I'm pretty sure.
In short: Social things! I am bad at them.