Fic: The Emperor's Good Graces
Jan. 3rd, 2025 02:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soc_puppetFandom: Scum Villain's Self-Saving System
Summary: After Luo Binghe crashes into Shang Qinghua's office to find out how Mobei-Jun got him to top, Airplane takes it upon himself to convince Cucumber to fuck his husband. Purely for his own self-interest, of course.
Mirrors: AO3
Wordcount: 3227
Ships: Bingqiu, secondary Moshang
Notes: Inspired by this post by![[tumblr.com profile]](https://www.tumblr.com/favicon.ico)
sunderwight
SFW status: Absolutely not, though very little actual sex is depicted on the page
Fic: The Emperor's Good Graces
"You."
Shang Qinghua couldn't say he'd been expecting Luo Binghe to slam open the door to his office in the Northern Palace, but he wasn't exactly not expecting it, either. That is, it didn't happen often, but often enough for Shang Qinghua to switch from writing first copies of anything important in charcoal, so he didn't spill ink all over them.
Today's important document—the second, more detailed outline of a reverse-isekai romcom novel he was currently plotting, because he couldn't make himself give up on writing but he was at least trying to be careful in this life—now had a large streak of charcoal over the middle third from his terrified jump, but was still largely legible; this was a vast improvement over the time he'd spilled half an inkwell over a draft. After shoving the papers on his desk aside to prevent any further harm, he shot to his feet and bowed the appropriate depth to the demon emperor. "Ah, good afternoon, Lord Luo!" he said quickly. "How may this humble servant assist you?"
It's going to be something about Cucumber-bro, Shang Qinghua thought to himself. If the matter were something of strategic or political importance, Mobei-Jun would be there as well—or even instead, if Luo Binghe thought the matter far enough below his interest. The emperor only tended to show up on his own if it was something about Shen Qingqiu. Not that it made such meetings any less terrifying, of course.
"How did he do it?" Luo Binghe demanded.
Right on target so far; don't need to fear for my intestines yet... "Do what, my lord?"
Luo Binghe's eyes narrowed further. "How did Mobei-Jun convince you to fuck him?"
Shang Qinghua coughed wildly, his brain abruptly short-circuiting. That was decidedly not where he'd thought the conversation was going! "I, uh. You two talk about that, my lord?" he managed to ask when he got his breath under control.
Shang Qinghua suddenly noticed a slight air of what he might call petulance in Luo Binghe's body language; it did nothing to settle his nerves. "The sparring exhibition for the Western Mooncat Clan was today," Luo Binghe gritted out. "I noticed that Mobei-Jun had a slight limp, and was concerned that he might have an injury that would affect his performance. Given the importance of us being in top form for this sparring match, I naturally demanded to know what happened. And do you know what he told me?"
"Ah," Shang Qinghua said, feeling his face flush. "Well..."
"He said that you had taken him last night, and that after such activities he preferred to savor the sensation for as long as possible!"
Shang Qinghua was now beet red, he didn't even need a mirror to confirm it. That was certainly something that Mobei-Jun had mentioned enjoying before, and last night, Shang Qinghua may have gone a little bit farther than usual with the ropes and sealing talismans and generally fucking the living daylights out of his husband. He'd completely forgotten about the sparring exhibition (a recent upgrade in demon relations, allowing various individuals and clans to demonstrate their strength without completely slaughtering anyone they had a slight advantage over), though both he and Mobei-Jun had enjoyed their activities very thoroughly. "This servant apologizes," Shang Qinghua said quickly. He was torn between gratitude that Luo Binghe hadn't decided to involve anyone else in the matter, and silently bemoaning why the emperor hadn't just told his second-in-command to be more thoughtful in the timing of their sexual escapades in the future. "Naturally, I will endeavor to take your schedule into better account in the future! So if—"
"That's not the problem," Luo Binghe snapped.
"Then... what is it, Lord Luo?" Shang Qinghua was now totally lost, a position he did not like to be in when it came to keeping the emperor from killing him.
Luo Binghe crossed his arms and glared at the wall. "He stopped suppressing his healing as soon as I noticed, so that was fine, but when I wanted to know how he convinced you to take him, all he said was, 'I asked'."
Shang Qinghua cleared his throat. "That's, uh, roughly correct, my lord."
What had happened exactly started with Shang Qinghua giving Mobei-Jun a very enthusiastic and involved blowjob. One of Mobei-Jun's thrusts had dislodged the hand Shang Qinghua had been using to fondle his balls, resulting in a finger catching on his entrance. Mobei-Jun had come quite soon after, and when he pulled Shang Qinghua off of him, he'd been wearing what counted for him as an exceptionally pleased smile. Shang Qinghua could still remember the rumble in his king's throat when he said, "This Mobei-Jun has been wondering when his Qinghua would take initiative..."
Shang Qinghua had been nothing if not delighted to roll with anything Mobei-Jun suggested as a result of that; he supposed that having similar tastes was a perk of being married to one's literal ideal man. Overall, that incident had lead to some very pleasant variation in their sex life.
"Impossible," Luo Binghe ground out, bringing Shang Qinghua's attention back to the present. "If asking were all it took, then Shizun—" He abruptly closed his mouth on what he'd been about to say.
Ah, there it is! Shang Qinghua thought, relief washing over him. So it was about Cucumber-bro after all! The world abruptly made (slightly) more sense. "Different people have different needs and preferences, my lord," Shang Qinghua offered tentatively, attempting diplomacy. "Your shizun and I are, uh, very different people—" And thank god for that, honestly, "—so while just expressing interest worked for me, he may need a different approach?" Noticing Luo Binghe's expression take on a sullen edge, which was never a good sign, he rushed to add, "Fortunately, I may be able to help!"
"Oh?" He eyed Shang Qinghua skeptically, which, ouch!
"Of course!" Shang Qinghua jumped at the chance to get into the Demon Emperor's good graces, especially since he'd spent so long in his only-neutral-at-best graces. "Just give me a week—" Luo Binghe glared at him. "—uh, make that two days? And I'll see what I can do. I can't promise anything," Shang Qinghua added quickly, "but I may at least be able to find out why he doesn't seem interested." He had some suspicions given Cucumber-bro's history, and the beginnings of a plan, but he didn't want to be turned into Ghost-Head Spider food for promising something he couldn't deliver.
Luo Binghe glared at him some more, then nodded sharply. "You have two days. I will ensure that Shizun's schedule is clear." With that, he turned and walked briskly back out of Shang Qinghua's office.
Shang Qinghua slumped back in his chair, utterly drained. He shot a mournful glance at his outline-in-progress, then heaved a sigh and set it aside. In its place, he began a missive to Shen Qingqiu to request a meeting two days hence.
-----
Two days later, Shen Qingqiu showed up at exactly the appointed time. The two of them exchanged pleasantries at the door before moving to a table where Shang Qinghua had set out tea and snacks. They were inferior to Binghe's, obviously, but it wasn't like he could do anything about that.
"So?" Shen Qingqiu asked, raising his cup to his lips. "What's so important that you needed to see me all of a sudden?"
Shang Qinghua purposely waited until Shen Qingqiu was taking a drink before saying, "I wanted to ask about your sex life."
He was treated to the sight of his fellow transmigrator going slightly bug-eyed as he used all of his highly trained 'peerless immortal' reflexes to suppress a spit take. Shen Qingqiu set the cup down with a click and glared at his sort-of friend. "I won't sneak in and disembowel you in the middle of the night because that would make Mobei-Jun sad." And hadn't that friendship been an unexpected development! Shang Qinghua was still trying to wrap his head around it. "However, that won't stop me from destroying your paperwork."
Okay, now that was a threat. Probably the only good thing about dying a second time was that Shang Qinghua wouldn't be stuck filling out forms again, save another isekai situation (which, heaven forbid). The prospect of having to re-do everything had him pulling out a secret weapon he'd been hoping to save for a later date. "Potatoes!" he blurted out. "I finally found a solid lead on potatoes! The first shipment is supposed to be here by the end of next month! Don't you want to find out what Luo Binghe can do with french fries? It'll never happen if you destroy my paperwork."
Shen Qingqiu's glare downgraded slightly, going from threats on Airplane's personage to merely expressing irritation. Peerless Cucumber may have torn strips off of Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky when he'd introduced potatoes into PIDW, but he clearly wasn't above reaping the benefits now. "Why do you even want to know about my sex life? Wasn't that stupid questionnaire bad enough?"
Shang Qinghua played up a shrug of helplessness, and shared the excuse he'd come up with. "I mean, you're the only other cultivator dude I know who's regularly getting down with demon dick. I thought we could like, share tips and commiserate and stuff."
Cucumber rolled his eyes, and Shang Qinghua knew he was in the clear. "Fine," he grumbled. "But if any of this makes it into a book, I'm shaving your head, no matter what Mobei-Jun thinks."
"No worries there," Airplane assured him. "It's strictly shit I wouldn't be horrified to transmigrate into these days! Back to the topic at hand, though." He looked Cucumber up and down. "Still having sex only every third day?"
Shen Qingqiu whipped his fan out and looked to the side. "We're up to every other day now," he admitted, a pleased flush on his cheeks. "Binghe's... pillar is big enough that it always hits that spot anyway, I don't know what I'd do if it didn't, but he's also gotten a lot better in technique recently, too. I'm starting to really appreciate what he can do with an instrument of that size." He glared over his fan. "Not that it's any less creatively bankrupt to just slap a giant dick on him and call it good, though! I can't believe none of his conquests ever had a problem with it!
"And how the hell did they stay hydrated anyway, huh?" he continued. "We always have to stop and reapply oil half-way through! If the women Bing-ge slept with kept going as long as my Binghe does with me, surely they'd be shriveled up husks by the time he's done!"
Shang Qinghua made a mental note to hook his bro up with better quality lube. He and Mobei-Jun did need to reapply sometimes, but usually not in the middle of sex! Though, it could be that the lube was part of the problem?
"Honestly, the oil thing is probably the main reason we're not having sex every day," Shen Qingqiu went on. "We go through so much as it is, I have no idea what the main kitchens think we're doing with all of it." Yeah, he was definitely finding a way to get Cucumber some better lube. Food oil worked, sure, but there were much better options! "Also, figuring out that we needed it in the first place took way too long. In my sister's danmei, the bottoms always just took two fingers dry, and then bam! Ready for monster cock."
Airplane made another mental note at the mention of danmei; like with hentai in general, the sex scenes tended to be somewhat better quality and have more diversity than in stallion novels, but that was a low bar. They were rife with their own stereotypes as well. Some titles bucked the trends, but Airplane could count the number he'd read that had explicit switching on one hand, and that was with actively looking for it, including in translated works.
Cucumber-bro snorted derisively, not seeming to have noticed Airplane spacing out a bit. "I guess I can't really blame you for everything; we really did only figure out the oil thing because I remembered the one time you actually wrote anal. That was one of, what, seven whole sex scenes that weren't just barely recycled missionary PIV? Honestly, I'm pretty sure I only remembered it in the first place because it had slightly more detail than the usual ones."
Shang Qinghua was starting to get a better picture of what was going on, and it wasn't pretty. Sadly, it was also more or less what he'd expected. "Do you ever try anything else, or is it just..." He held up one hand in an 'okay' sign and poked the pointer finger of his opposite hand through the circle.
Shen Qingqiu looked away again. "Sometimes, yeah," he said. "Usually on 'between' days. I'm getting better at fitting him in my mouth, but it's still a lot. I end up having to use my hands to help out anyway. And Binghe's also getting a lot better about his teeth when he goes down on me. Mostly it's just the usual, though."
"Really? That's it?" Shang Qinghua pressed. "So you've never, ah, plumbed the depths of his heavenly love cave?"
Oh look, Cucumber's glare was back! "Okay," he growled, snapping his fan shut and jabbing it at Airplane, "that has to be one of the worst names you've ever come up with for anything, and with how many thousand-year whatevers and five hundred moon whatsits you've written, that's saying something! God, the shit you come up with, I swear!" He crossed his arms and huffed. "And I can't believe you even asked me that, either! The answer is obviously no. He's Luo fucking Binghe! He was literally made to top."
Shang Qinghua hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he allowed, preparing to execute his plan. "He's not really pretty enough to bottom, is he?"
Suddenly, Peerless Cucumber's ire had a new direction. "Excuse me? Did Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky just try to tell me that his entirely too bishounen stallion protagonist isn't pretty? In what universe, because it sure as fuck isn't any of the ones I know about! His conquests consistently call him gorgeous, and you once used the word 'beautiful' to describe his features ten times in a single chapter! I counted! He also went undercover as a woman dozens of times with barely a veil and a bit of makeup, and you're trying to claim that this same man isn't pretty?!"
Shang Qinghua held up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay, I get it! His face is definitely pretty enough. But the rest of him is still kinda..."
Shen Qingqiu's eyes glittered dangerously. "Kinda what, Airplane?"
"I mean, he's all muscle-y and shit?" Shang Qinghua improvised. "It's probably not very attractive to be able to pin that down and do whatever you want with it. Loses the allure," bluffed a man who had done exactly that to the, if anything, even more muscle-y Mobei-Jun only a few nights prior. "I can see why you wouldn't go for it. Not a lot of visual appeal."
Cucumber slammed his closed fan down on the table. "I'm sorry, but what the fuck are you talking about? Are you on crack? Did you find xianxia crack somehow, Airplane? Because I literally cannot think of any other reason you wouldn't find the interplay of muscles under skin attractive! It is a fucking privilege to see that in action, especially in the bedroom, and Binghe's muscles in particular are pure art. To see all of that and not want to at least lick it has got to be some sort of crime!"
"Well," Airplane said, feigning desperation, "what about his ass? It's not exactly much to write home about."
Shen Qingqiu's eyebrow twitched. "What."
Shang Qinghua shrugged. "I mean, it's an okay ass, I guess? But still kinda 'meh' overall." He waggled his hand sideways in the air to demonstrate.
Shen Qingqiu looked to be about ten seconds from spitting blood. "The famed peaches of immortality themselves cannot compare to my husband's ass," he ground out. "I have never seen any more firm, more luscious, more perfectly curved than Luo Binghe's in either of my lives, and I used to have access to the internet. Sinking my fingers into it is a revelation. The heavens themselves would weep for a chance to worship those cheeks!"
Got him, Airplane thought smugly. Aloud, he shot back. "Bullshit. If you actually thought that, you'd have bent him over a table at least once by now." Going for the kill, he reached over the table and patted Shen Qingqiu's hand patronizingly. "It's okay, though. Even Luo Binghe can't be entirely perfect!"
Shen Qingqiu slapped Shang Qinghua's hand away and surged to his feet. "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky," he growled, "you are going to eat those words." With that, he turned and stormed out of Shang Qinghua's leisure house. Seconds later, he'd mounted Xiu Ya and was zooming off, presumably to fuck his husband.
Shang Qinghua watched him go with a smirk, then went back to his paperwork. He really did want those potatoes ASAP.
-----
The next afternoon, Luo Binghe surprised Shang Qinghua by actually knocking on the door to his leisure house before entering. He was walking with a very slight limp and had an air of extreme satisfaction about him. "Thanking Shang-shishu for his expertise," he said brightly. He then pulled a one-kilo sized sack from his sleeve and placed it on Shang Qinghua's desk; a heavenly aroma wafted from it. "Honey roasted melon seeds, as a token of this lord's appreciation."
Shang Qinghua's eyes widened. Luo Binghe had willingly cooked for him, a person other than his husband? Hesitantly, he took a melon seed from the bag and popped it into his mouth. Flavors washed over his tongue: the honey's sweetness was complimented by other spices, with just a hint of a kick at the end, and the seed's own nutty flavor had been enhanced by the roasting process. Savoring the taste, Shang Qinghua reflected that giving his protagonist god-like cooking skills had definitely been one of his better ideas. "This humble servant was honored to be of service, Lord Luo," he said once he swallowed. "Is there any other way I can be of assistance?"
Begrudgingly, Luo Binghe handed over a folded piece of paper. "This is from Shizun."
Airplane opened it. The note read, in English:
Shang Qinghua snorted and folded the note back up. At Luo Binghe's intense expression, he explained, "Aha, your shizun was just... expressing his thanks. In his own way."
Luo Binghe nodded, accepting the explanation. "This lord will be leaving first, then. Unless Shang-shishu has any other wisdom to share?"
Shang Qinghua cast a glance at the jar of premium lube he'd set to the side that morning; he'd been planning to find a way to sneak it into Cucumber's hands somehow, but this seemed like it would be easier. "Ah, since Lord Luo mentions it...?"
Now that he was there, Shang Qinghua had every intention of staying in the emperor's good graces.
—fin—
I have no idea where the Mobei-Jun and Shen Qingqiu friendship thing came from, but I can kinda see it. I imagine that it started when their respective spouses were busy without them once, and they bonded over ripping apart a trashy novel SQQ had brought along to read. They get together to discuss the books they hate-read every few months, when the planets align so that both SQH and LBH are busy but neither SQQ nor MBJ is. They have only two rules: No RPF, especially involving anyone they personally know (SQQ), and nothing SQH has written (MBJ). Between those restrictions, they mostly keep the peace; SQQ rants for ten or fifteen minutes at a stretch, MBJ grunts and even says a whole sentence from time to time, and they both thoroughly enjoy themselves.
Summary: After Luo Binghe crashes into Shang Qinghua's office to find out how Mobei-Jun got him to top, Airplane takes it upon himself to convince Cucumber to fuck his husband. Purely for his own self-interest, of course.
Mirrors: AO3
Wordcount: 3227
Ships: Bingqiu, secondary Moshang
Notes: Inspired by this post by
SFW status: Absolutely not, though very little actual sex is depicted on the page
Fic: The Emperor's Good Graces
"You."
Shang Qinghua couldn't say he'd been expecting Luo Binghe to slam open the door to his office in the Northern Palace, but he wasn't exactly not expecting it, either. That is, it didn't happen often, but often enough for Shang Qinghua to switch from writing first copies of anything important in charcoal, so he didn't spill ink all over them.
Today's important document—the second, more detailed outline of a reverse-isekai romcom novel he was currently plotting, because he couldn't make himself give up on writing but he was at least trying to be careful in this life—now had a large streak of charcoal over the middle third from his terrified jump, but was still largely legible; this was a vast improvement over the time he'd spilled half an inkwell over a draft. After shoving the papers on his desk aside to prevent any further harm, he shot to his feet and bowed the appropriate depth to the demon emperor. "Ah, good afternoon, Lord Luo!" he said quickly. "How may this humble servant assist you?"
It's going to be something about Cucumber-bro, Shang Qinghua thought to himself. If the matter were something of strategic or political importance, Mobei-Jun would be there as well—or even instead, if Luo Binghe thought the matter far enough below his interest. The emperor only tended to show up on his own if it was something about Shen Qingqiu. Not that it made such meetings any less terrifying, of course.
"How did he do it?" Luo Binghe demanded.
Right on target so far; don't need to fear for my intestines yet... "Do what, my lord?"
Luo Binghe's eyes narrowed further. "How did Mobei-Jun convince you to fuck him?"
Shang Qinghua coughed wildly, his brain abruptly short-circuiting. That was decidedly not where he'd thought the conversation was going! "I, uh. You two talk about that, my lord?" he managed to ask when he got his breath under control.
Shang Qinghua suddenly noticed a slight air of what he might call petulance in Luo Binghe's body language; it did nothing to settle his nerves. "The sparring exhibition for the Western Mooncat Clan was today," Luo Binghe gritted out. "I noticed that Mobei-Jun had a slight limp, and was concerned that he might have an injury that would affect his performance. Given the importance of us being in top form for this sparring match, I naturally demanded to know what happened. And do you know what he told me?"
"Ah," Shang Qinghua said, feeling his face flush. "Well..."
"He said that you had taken him last night, and that after such activities he preferred to savor the sensation for as long as possible!"
Shang Qinghua was now beet red, he didn't even need a mirror to confirm it. That was certainly something that Mobei-Jun had mentioned enjoying before, and last night, Shang Qinghua may have gone a little bit farther than usual with the ropes and sealing talismans and generally fucking the living daylights out of his husband. He'd completely forgotten about the sparring exhibition (a recent upgrade in demon relations, allowing various individuals and clans to demonstrate their strength without completely slaughtering anyone they had a slight advantage over), though both he and Mobei-Jun had enjoyed their activities very thoroughly. "This servant apologizes," Shang Qinghua said quickly. He was torn between gratitude that Luo Binghe hadn't decided to involve anyone else in the matter, and silently bemoaning why the emperor hadn't just told his second-in-command to be more thoughtful in the timing of their sexual escapades in the future. "Naturally, I will endeavor to take your schedule into better account in the future! So if—"
"That's not the problem," Luo Binghe snapped.
"Then... what is it, Lord Luo?" Shang Qinghua was now totally lost, a position he did not like to be in when it came to keeping the emperor from killing him.
Luo Binghe crossed his arms and glared at the wall. "He stopped suppressing his healing as soon as I noticed, so that was fine, but when I wanted to know how he convinced you to take him, all he said was, 'I asked'."
Shang Qinghua cleared his throat. "That's, uh, roughly correct, my lord."
What had happened exactly started with Shang Qinghua giving Mobei-Jun a very enthusiastic and involved blowjob. One of Mobei-Jun's thrusts had dislodged the hand Shang Qinghua had been using to fondle his balls, resulting in a finger catching on his entrance. Mobei-Jun had come quite soon after, and when he pulled Shang Qinghua off of him, he'd been wearing what counted for him as an exceptionally pleased smile. Shang Qinghua could still remember the rumble in his king's throat when he said, "This Mobei-Jun has been wondering when his Qinghua would take initiative..."
Shang Qinghua had been nothing if not delighted to roll with anything Mobei-Jun suggested as a result of that; he supposed that having similar tastes was a perk of being married to one's literal ideal man. Overall, that incident had lead to some very pleasant variation in their sex life.
"Impossible," Luo Binghe ground out, bringing Shang Qinghua's attention back to the present. "If asking were all it took, then Shizun—" He abruptly closed his mouth on what he'd been about to say.
Ah, there it is! Shang Qinghua thought, relief washing over him. So it was about Cucumber-bro after all! The world abruptly made (slightly) more sense. "Different people have different needs and preferences, my lord," Shang Qinghua offered tentatively, attempting diplomacy. "Your shizun and I are, uh, very different people—" And thank god for that, honestly, "—so while just expressing interest worked for me, he may need a different approach?" Noticing Luo Binghe's expression take on a sullen edge, which was never a good sign, he rushed to add, "Fortunately, I may be able to help!"
"Oh?" He eyed Shang Qinghua skeptically, which, ouch!
"Of course!" Shang Qinghua jumped at the chance to get into the Demon Emperor's good graces, especially since he'd spent so long in his only-neutral-at-best graces. "Just give me a week—" Luo Binghe glared at him. "—uh, make that two days? And I'll see what I can do. I can't promise anything," Shang Qinghua added quickly, "but I may at least be able to find out why he doesn't seem interested." He had some suspicions given Cucumber-bro's history, and the beginnings of a plan, but he didn't want to be turned into Ghost-Head Spider food for promising something he couldn't deliver.
Luo Binghe glared at him some more, then nodded sharply. "You have two days. I will ensure that Shizun's schedule is clear." With that, he turned and walked briskly back out of Shang Qinghua's office.
Shang Qinghua slumped back in his chair, utterly drained. He shot a mournful glance at his outline-in-progress, then heaved a sigh and set it aside. In its place, he began a missive to Shen Qingqiu to request a meeting two days hence.
-----
Two days later, Shen Qingqiu showed up at exactly the appointed time. The two of them exchanged pleasantries at the door before moving to a table where Shang Qinghua had set out tea and snacks. They were inferior to Binghe's, obviously, but it wasn't like he could do anything about that.
"So?" Shen Qingqiu asked, raising his cup to his lips. "What's so important that you needed to see me all of a sudden?"
Shang Qinghua purposely waited until Shen Qingqiu was taking a drink before saying, "I wanted to ask about your sex life."
He was treated to the sight of his fellow transmigrator going slightly bug-eyed as he used all of his highly trained 'peerless immortal' reflexes to suppress a spit take. Shen Qingqiu set the cup down with a click and glared at his sort-of friend. "I won't sneak in and disembowel you in the middle of the night because that would make Mobei-Jun sad." And hadn't that friendship been an unexpected development! Shang Qinghua was still trying to wrap his head around it. "However, that won't stop me from destroying your paperwork."
Okay, now that was a threat. Probably the only good thing about dying a second time was that Shang Qinghua wouldn't be stuck filling out forms again, save another isekai situation (which, heaven forbid). The prospect of having to re-do everything had him pulling out a secret weapon he'd been hoping to save for a later date. "Potatoes!" he blurted out. "I finally found a solid lead on potatoes! The first shipment is supposed to be here by the end of next month! Don't you want to find out what Luo Binghe can do with french fries? It'll never happen if you destroy my paperwork."
Shen Qingqiu's glare downgraded slightly, going from threats on Airplane's personage to merely expressing irritation. Peerless Cucumber may have torn strips off of Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky when he'd introduced potatoes into PIDW, but he clearly wasn't above reaping the benefits now. "Why do you even want to know about my sex life? Wasn't that stupid questionnaire bad enough?"
Shang Qinghua played up a shrug of helplessness, and shared the excuse he'd come up with. "I mean, you're the only other cultivator dude I know who's regularly getting down with demon dick. I thought we could like, share tips and commiserate and stuff."
Cucumber rolled his eyes, and Shang Qinghua knew he was in the clear. "Fine," he grumbled. "But if any of this makes it into a book, I'm shaving your head, no matter what Mobei-Jun thinks."
"No worries there," Airplane assured him. "It's strictly shit I wouldn't be horrified to transmigrate into these days! Back to the topic at hand, though." He looked Cucumber up and down. "Still having sex only every third day?"
Shen Qingqiu whipped his fan out and looked to the side. "We're up to every other day now," he admitted, a pleased flush on his cheeks. "Binghe's... pillar is big enough that it always hits that spot anyway, I don't know what I'd do if it didn't, but he's also gotten a lot better in technique recently, too. I'm starting to really appreciate what he can do with an instrument of that size." He glared over his fan. "Not that it's any less creatively bankrupt to just slap a giant dick on him and call it good, though! I can't believe none of his conquests ever had a problem with it!
"And how the hell did they stay hydrated anyway, huh?" he continued. "We always have to stop and reapply oil half-way through! If the women Bing-ge slept with kept going as long as my Binghe does with me, surely they'd be shriveled up husks by the time he's done!"
Shang Qinghua made a mental note to hook his bro up with better quality lube. He and Mobei-Jun did need to reapply sometimes, but usually not in the middle of sex! Though, it could be that the lube was part of the problem?
"Honestly, the oil thing is probably the main reason we're not having sex every day," Shen Qingqiu went on. "We go through so much as it is, I have no idea what the main kitchens think we're doing with all of it." Yeah, he was definitely finding a way to get Cucumber some better lube. Food oil worked, sure, but there were much better options! "Also, figuring out that we needed it in the first place took way too long. In my sister's danmei, the bottoms always just took two fingers dry, and then bam! Ready for monster cock."
Airplane made another mental note at the mention of danmei; like with hentai in general, the sex scenes tended to be somewhat better quality and have more diversity than in stallion novels, but that was a low bar. They were rife with their own stereotypes as well. Some titles bucked the trends, but Airplane could count the number he'd read that had explicit switching on one hand, and that was with actively looking for it, including in translated works.
Cucumber-bro snorted derisively, not seeming to have noticed Airplane spacing out a bit. "I guess I can't really blame you for everything; we really did only figure out the oil thing because I remembered the one time you actually wrote anal. That was one of, what, seven whole sex scenes that weren't just barely recycled missionary PIV? Honestly, I'm pretty sure I only remembered it in the first place because it had slightly more detail than the usual ones."
Shang Qinghua was starting to get a better picture of what was going on, and it wasn't pretty. Sadly, it was also more or less what he'd expected. "Do you ever try anything else, or is it just..." He held up one hand in an 'okay' sign and poked the pointer finger of his opposite hand through the circle.
Shen Qingqiu looked away again. "Sometimes, yeah," he said. "Usually on 'between' days. I'm getting better at fitting him in my mouth, but it's still a lot. I end up having to use my hands to help out anyway. And Binghe's also getting a lot better about his teeth when he goes down on me. Mostly it's just the usual, though."
"Really? That's it?" Shang Qinghua pressed. "So you've never, ah, plumbed the depths of his heavenly love cave?"
Oh look, Cucumber's glare was back! "Okay," he growled, snapping his fan shut and jabbing it at Airplane, "that has to be one of the worst names you've ever come up with for anything, and with how many thousand-year whatevers and five hundred moon whatsits you've written, that's saying something! God, the shit you come up with, I swear!" He crossed his arms and huffed. "And I can't believe you even asked me that, either! The answer is obviously no. He's Luo fucking Binghe! He was literally made to top."
Shang Qinghua hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he allowed, preparing to execute his plan. "He's not really pretty enough to bottom, is he?"
Suddenly, Peerless Cucumber's ire had a new direction. "Excuse me? Did Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky just try to tell me that his entirely too bishounen stallion protagonist isn't pretty? In what universe, because it sure as fuck isn't any of the ones I know about! His conquests consistently call him gorgeous, and you once used the word 'beautiful' to describe his features ten times in a single chapter! I counted! He also went undercover as a woman dozens of times with barely a veil and a bit of makeup, and you're trying to claim that this same man isn't pretty?!"
Shang Qinghua held up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay, I get it! His face is definitely pretty enough. But the rest of him is still kinda..."
Shen Qingqiu's eyes glittered dangerously. "Kinda what, Airplane?"
"I mean, he's all muscle-y and shit?" Shang Qinghua improvised. "It's probably not very attractive to be able to pin that down and do whatever you want with it. Loses the allure," bluffed a man who had done exactly that to the, if anything, even more muscle-y Mobei-Jun only a few nights prior. "I can see why you wouldn't go for it. Not a lot of visual appeal."
Cucumber slammed his closed fan down on the table. "I'm sorry, but what the fuck are you talking about? Are you on crack? Did you find xianxia crack somehow, Airplane? Because I literally cannot think of any other reason you wouldn't find the interplay of muscles under skin attractive! It is a fucking privilege to see that in action, especially in the bedroom, and Binghe's muscles in particular are pure art. To see all of that and not want to at least lick it has got to be some sort of crime!"
"Well," Airplane said, feigning desperation, "what about his ass? It's not exactly much to write home about."
Shen Qingqiu's eyebrow twitched. "What."
Shang Qinghua shrugged. "I mean, it's an okay ass, I guess? But still kinda 'meh' overall." He waggled his hand sideways in the air to demonstrate.
Shen Qingqiu looked to be about ten seconds from spitting blood. "The famed peaches of immortality themselves cannot compare to my husband's ass," he ground out. "I have never seen any more firm, more luscious, more perfectly curved than Luo Binghe's in either of my lives, and I used to have access to the internet. Sinking my fingers into it is a revelation. The heavens themselves would weep for a chance to worship those cheeks!"
Got him, Airplane thought smugly. Aloud, he shot back. "Bullshit. If you actually thought that, you'd have bent him over a table at least once by now." Going for the kill, he reached over the table and patted Shen Qingqiu's hand patronizingly. "It's okay, though. Even Luo Binghe can't be entirely perfect!"
Shen Qingqiu slapped Shang Qinghua's hand away and surged to his feet. "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky," he growled, "you are going to eat those words." With that, he turned and stormed out of Shang Qinghua's leisure house. Seconds later, he'd mounted Xiu Ya and was zooming off, presumably to fuck his husband.
Shang Qinghua watched him go with a smirk, then went back to his paperwork. He really did want those potatoes ASAP.
-----
The next afternoon, Luo Binghe surprised Shang Qinghua by actually knocking on the door to his leisure house before entering. He was walking with a very slight limp and had an air of extreme satisfaction about him. "Thanking Shang-shishu for his expertise," he said brightly. He then pulled a one-kilo sized sack from his sleeve and placed it on Shang Qinghua's desk; a heavenly aroma wafted from it. "Honey roasted melon seeds, as a token of this lord's appreciation."
Shang Qinghua's eyes widened. Luo Binghe had willingly cooked for him, a person other than his husband? Hesitantly, he took a melon seed from the bag and popped it into his mouth. Flavors washed over his tongue: the honey's sweetness was complimented by other spices, with just a hint of a kick at the end, and the seed's own nutty flavor had been enhanced by the roasting process. Savoring the taste, Shang Qinghua reflected that giving his protagonist god-like cooking skills had definitely been one of his better ideas. "This humble servant was honored to be of service, Lord Luo," he said once he swallowed. "Is there any other way I can be of assistance?"
Begrudgingly, Luo Binghe handed over a folded piece of paper. "This is from Shizun."
Airplane opened it. The note read, in English:
Airplane, you goddamn rat bastard, I hate you so fucking much.
It was incredible.
Shang Qinghua snorted and folded the note back up. At Luo Binghe's intense expression, he explained, "Aha, your shizun was just... expressing his thanks. In his own way."
Luo Binghe nodded, accepting the explanation. "This lord will be leaving first, then. Unless Shang-shishu has any other wisdom to share?"
Shang Qinghua cast a glance at the jar of premium lube he'd set to the side that morning; he'd been planning to find a way to sneak it into Cucumber's hands somehow, but this seemed like it would be easier. "Ah, since Lord Luo mentions it...?"
Now that he was there, Shang Qinghua had every intention of staying in the emperor's good graces.
—fin—
I have no idea where the Mobei-Jun and Shen Qingqiu friendship thing came from, but I can kinda see it. I imagine that it started when their respective spouses were busy without them once, and they bonded over ripping apart a trashy novel SQQ had brought along to read. They get together to discuss the books they hate-read every few months, when the planets align so that both SQH and LBH are busy but neither SQQ nor MBJ is. They have only two rules: No RPF, especially involving anyone they personally know (SQQ), and nothing SQH has written (MBJ). Between those restrictions, they mostly keep the peace; SQQ rants for ten or fifteen minutes at a stretch, MBJ grunts and even says a whole sentence from time to time, and they both thoroughly enjoy themselves.
