Fic: Sanity in Ribbons
Jan. 3rd, 2026 02:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soc_puppetFandom: SVSSS
Summary: Shang Qinghua actually had a very good reason for ditching Shen Qingqiu a few hours outside of Jinlan City, thank you very much, and it was only somewhat to do with not wanting to sneeze himself naked in a city full of strangers.
Mirrors: On AO3
Wordcount: ~6800
Ships: MoShang
Notes: Inspired by Sanity in Tatters and Sanity in Shreds
Fic: Sanity in Ribbons
Shang Qinghua actually had a very good reason for ditching Shen Qingqiu a few hours outside of Jinlan City, thank you very much. He knew what it looked like, claiming to need a break to rest before sneaking off and leaving Cucumber-bro to fend for himself, but he did have a reason! And it wasn't just about escaping his fellow transmigrator's scathing commentary on his writing, or not wanting to face the plague in Jinlan City himself!
Those were only about half the reason he'd run away; the other half was an unplublished PIDW extra that he hadn't managed to post before kicking the bucket.
Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky had been a lot of things, but he knew what most of his readers were paying for, and it wasn't worldbuilding or plot; it was power fantasies and sex. So the original run of the "nakedness plague", which had hit the first Luo Binghe's harem when it was still easily counted in dozens, had been both very popular with his readership and very good for his wallet. He'd managed to drag that plague out for over two weeks, ultimately culminating in an orgy between Bingge and the fan favorite wives of the time. Xiang Fei had ended up with enough money to buy a bulk pack of the good instant noodles after publishing that, and it had also given him time to plot out the next few story arcs. Story arcs that inevitably got derailed by more instant gratification and sex scenes, but it still counted!
The point was, it had been a very popular story arc, and he'd always intended to bring the plague back for another run. In fact, he'd had a collection of side stories ready to be published after PIDW ended, just to milk that last little bit out of the series while he started something new. One of them even featured the return of the plague, with what he'd been sure would be a very lucrative new twist: This time, there would be a slight immunity—anything that could be counted as lingerie was not subject to the clothes-destroying aspect of the plague.
Was this just a thinly veiled excuse to write gratuitous sex scenes with the fan favorite wives in anachronistic sexy underwear? Absolutely! Xiang Fei needed the money, dammit! Was it something that Cucumber-bro would tear strips off of him for? No question! But was it also something that might actually save a tiny part of their dignity if it actually worked? Shang Qinghua was willing to find out!
So, when they were still a few hours out from Jinlan City proper, Shang Qinghua snuck away and started investigating the fancy underwear situation in Jinlan City's outlying towns.
Unfortunately, said fancy underwear situation left a lot to be desired. Sure, there were lacy under-robes available in a few brothels and adjacent shops, but while some of the more conservative dressers among Bingge's harem might have gotten away with that, he was pretty sure it wouldn't fly for him or Shen Qingqiu, given their 'modern' sensibilities. With a sigh, he continued on his way to Jinlan City. Maybe there was a shop in their red light district that had something they could use?
-----
Shang Qinghua wove his way through the surprisingly crowded streets, briefly bumping into a group of disciples in Huan Hua colors as he made his way to the red light district. (Honestly, he wasn't at all surprised that the Old Palace Master had wanted Huan Hua Palace to investigate this particular plague, that perverted old goat!) He was peering in vain for any shop that might be selling a negligee, when it happened:
[Beep! System activation successful.]
Shang Qinghua froze. What the fuck was that?!
[Universal activation key: Luo Binghe.]
He swallowed heavily. Oh, no. No no no no no. Did this mean that Luo Binghe was back already?!
[Self-examination results: Central power source is operating normally and in good condition.]
Shit, that basically confirmed it! Shang Qinghua took a moment to wonder why it had never occurred to him that a Luo Binghe whose cultivation hadn't been corrupted for his entire stay on Qing Jing Peak would have an easier time getting out of the Endless Abyss. Then, more importantly, he wondered why it hadn't occurred to Cucumber-bro, Binghe's ultimate stan.
[Hibernation mode suspended. Normal operation mode activated. Downloading System update...]
Fuck! Never mind, he could worry about that later! Right now, he needed to focus on the crisis at hand. Maybe he could find some way to interrupt the System's download...?
[Download and installation of update complete. Storyline: "A Plague in Jinlan" detected.]
Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
Shang Qinghua ducked into an alleyway to hyperventilate. Okay, he thought, time to take stock of things. The mushroom bodies aren't quite ready yet, but if I go right now, I can probably find Cucumber-bro before his System reactivates. From there, we should be able to get out of here and away from Binghe long enough to brainstorm a way to buy the time we need.
Plan made, and heart rate once again approaching normal, Shang Qinghua turned to walk out of the alley—only to bump into a pair of cool, firm pectoral muscles. He looked up and made eye contact with Mobei-Jun, whose own eyes narrowed in return.
"Today is the Vernal Equinox Banquet. This king requires your presence."
At the same time, the System chimed in his mind. [New status: Infected] it informed him.
Shang Qinghua could feel himself ascending to a brand new realm of panic, previously undiscovered by demons and cultivators alike. He did not want to be at the Northern Demon Kingdom when he was liable to lose all of his clothing at the drop of a sneeze! First of all, he'd freeze his dick off. Second, there was humiliation of potentially losing all of his clothes in front of the Northern court. Third, he still needed to find Cucumber-bro and get him away from Luo Binghe!
He opened his mouth, about to attempt to bullshit his way out of it, when a new System window popped up.
[Optional mission: God Save the King. Equipment provided for mission: Winter Consort Lingerie Set.]
He closed his mouth. 'Do I get to keep the lingerie after?' he asked the System.
[Lingerie will be permanently awarded for successful completion of mission.]
Okay, this he could work with. From what he remembered of the banquet, all of the dangers were front-loaded, so Shang Qinghua should be able to attend long enough to subvert them, then high-tail it back to Jinlan City with clothing that could potentially spare both his and Shen Qingqiu's dignity!
[Alert: Winter Consort Lingerie Set is locked to Host.]
Okay, so he couldn't share the lingerie with Cucumber-bro; the guy probably wouldn't want it after Shang Qinghua wore it, anyway. But Shang Qinghua could at least stand in front of Shen Qingqiu if the latter ended up sneezing his clothes off, and maybe save a little of his dignity that way!
New course of action decided, Shang Qinghua promptly abandoned all plans of weaseling out of the banquet and slapped the virtual 'Accept' button. "Of course, my king! This servant would be happy to attend with you!"
The end of Mobei-Jun's left eyebrow twitched, a movement that Shang Qinghua had learned to identify as mild irritation, but he opened a portal to the Northern Kingdom regardless. Sorry, Cucumber-bro! Airplane thought at his fellow transmigrator as he was ushered through the portal. Just hold on until I get back; I'm sure even you can't get too thoroughly fucked in just a few hours, though!
-----
As they walked through the palace to the banquet hall, Airplane sifted through his memory for more details about this event. It would be easier if he could pick Cucumber-bro's brain about it, but that wasn't exactly an option right now. Still, he was fairly certain he remembered the important bits.
This banquet happened fairly early on in the original Luo Binghe's conquest of the demonic empire: A number of demon clans had been rather annoyed at this young upstart, and had banded together to challenge his rule. While none of their plans would have worked on Luo Binghe, who had both Heavenly Demon blood and access to spiritual cultivation, Binghe was notably not in the demon realm at the moment. Instead, it seemed that he had left Mobei-Jun in charge in his stead while he pursued his own goals in the human realm.
Mobei-Jun, who had neither the ability to cultivate spiritually nor Heavenly Demon heritage.
Luckily, Shang Qinghua remembered the plots against the demonic ruler (or his regent, in this case) reasonably well, so he was confident in his ability to subvert them.
"Shang Qinghua," Mobei-Jun commanded, interrupting his thoughts. "There will be many powerful demons at this banquet. Stay by this Mobei-Jun's side."
"Of course, my King!" Shang Qinghua lied. At his king's pointed stare, he quickly amended, "I mean, there may be a few things I have to step out briefly to attend? But they'll be quick, and I'll return to your side as soon as they're over, I promise!"
"...Do you require the assistance of this king in these matters?"
Definitely not! That would just put his king directly in the path of the plots he was trying to prevent! Shang Qinghua smiled nervously up at him. "Ah, thank you for the offer, my King, but they are small matters, not worthy of your attention; they'll only take me a few minutes at most, you'll hardly have time to even notice I'm gone!"
"...Hn." Though Mobei-Jun didn't seem entirely satisfied, he at least wasn't arguing further; Shang Qinghua took it as a win and quickened his pace to keep up as they made their way to the banquet hall.
As predicted, the hall was filled with representatives from every demon clan that Luo Binghe had so far subjugated, as well as a few who were hoping to get an early look at the up-and-coming new ruler. There was a riot of colors and demonic fashions, in addition to the actual noise caused by so many people in one place, many already fighting one another for various reasons; in the midst of the din, Shang Qinghua also noticed a Mountain Thistle Clan demon slipping away in the direction of the kitchen.
In case that wasn't obvious enough, the System chimed at him, [Mission: God Save the King: Part 1, activated.]
Mobei-Jun signaled Shang Qinghua to follow him to the head table, but Shang Qinghua held up his hands instead. "Ah, I'm sorry, my King, but I need to go take care of one of those things right now!" he said. "I'll be back before you know it, I swear!"
Mobei-Jun narrowed his eyes, but nodded sharply. With a sigh of relief, Shang Qinghua smiled once more at his king, then darted off after the Mountain Thistle Clan demon.
The demon was fairly easy to track in the palace kitchens. While he'd managed to find an extra kitchen uniform, and there were enough other last minute temporary workers that he more-or-less blended in, Shang Qinghua was able to follow the green-and-purple ends of the robes sticking out from his sleeves with ease. He waited until he saw the demon about to make his move, hovering near the plates that Mobei-Jun's food would be served on.
Shang Qinghua slipped up right behind the Mountain Thistle demon and said loudly, "There you are!" The demon yelped and fumbled the small bottle he'd been holding, then sighed in relief when he managed to catch it. He quickly tried to tuck it out of sight when Shang Qinghua gripped his shoulder. "I have a very important task that needs doing right now, and the head chef recommended you," he told the demon.
"O-oh? He did?" the demon bluffed. "This servant is honored!" Shang Qinghua gave him points for following the ruse, but none for acting; the demon was visibly shaking, which was quite unusual in as warm a place as a palace kitchen, even one in the Northern Kingdom. "How may this lowly one assist?"
"I just had a few questions to ask you about your plans for the king's plates," Shang Qinghua assured him, ushering him firmly into a side room where extra tableware was stored. "Namely," he continued, shutting the door firmly behind them and holding up the vial he'd swiped while leading the demon away, "what exactly were you planning to poison my king with?"
The Mountain Thistle Clan demon went from terrified to desperate in an instant. "Give that back!" he roared, charging at Shang Qinghua.
The cultivator shrugged. "If you insist," he said, then swept the demon's legs out from under him, pinned him, and poured half the contents of the vial into the demon's still open mouth. He hummed to himself as he slammed a free hand over the demon's mouth and nose and counted down as he waited for the demon to lose consciousness. He got to four before the demon passed out.
The System chimed at him. [Mission: God Save the King: Part 1, complete.]
Shang Qinghua nodded absently at it. Holding up the vial, he examined the tiny label; he'd come up with a lot of poisons for PIDW, and didn't always remember what the non-wife plot ones did. Still, he'd remembered the conspirators' goal for this attack, and it was to either subdue or outright kill any ruler who wasn't strong enough to withstand the poison.
Most poisons he'd come up with were completely ineffective against Heavenly Demons, but still had at least a mild effect against demon lords like Mobei-Jun. Airplane was pretty sure this was one of the ones that had a creeping weakening effect that would last through the night, which was the perfect setup for the remaining plots. It was also a sort of poison that usually spelled immediate death for weaker demons, but the Mountain Thistle Clan specialized in poisons, and even their weakest members were trained to build a partial immunity from a young age; it seemed likely that they'd be able to get information out of this operative yet.
Getting to his feet, Shang Qinghua was about to turn the unconscious demon over to the guards and return to his king's side when he was overtaken by a sneeze. "Ah-choo!" Horrified, he opened his eyes to see the shredded remains of his robes scattered around the side room and draped over stacks of cups and plates. With a heavy swallow, he looked down to examine himself.
He sighed in relief when he saw that the System had already equipped the Winter Consort Lingerie on him. He then had to choke back a stream of blood when he got a good look at the lingerie: It was like something out of one of his wet dreamsor more depraved fantasies! The dominant color was midnight blue with white fur trim; a delicate corset encircled his midsection, laced up with silver ribbons. His legs were encased in stockings that went all the way up his thighs, clipped in place by a garter belt with a silver snowflake ornament mounted dead center, drawing the eye inexorably to the thong secured underneath. The matching choker around his neck might have been the tamest of all of it, if it hadn't included a silver pendant with a replica of Mobei-Jun's zuiyin picked out in sapphires.
This was fine! Shang Qinghua could deal with this! He clenched his eyes shut and patted himself down, hoping that the lack of visuals would help prevent him from thinking about what he was touching. (It didn't.) He'd planned for this—well, sort of. So why couldn't he find...
'System!' he thought hysterically. 'What happened to my qiankun pouch?!'
[Answering Host: Non-relevant contents moved to off-site location "Leisure House". Relevant contents stored in qiankun garter belt.]
Qiankun garter belt?! Even he'd never come up with something so shameless! (He was almost jealous, actually.) Still, he was probably lucky that the System had let him keep any of what he'd been carrying at the time. 'How do I access the qiankun garter belt?' he asked it.
[Items are accessed through garter belt's storage crystal on attached snowflake ornament.]
So that's why that was there! Shang Qinghua quickly fed a thread of qi into the crystal to access its contents—at which point, he almost spat blood again. Yes, secured in the storage crystal were the three emergency backup outfits he'd packed with the nature of this plague in mind, but gone were virtually all of his other supplies. In their place were bottles upon bottles of lube and an impressive collection of dildos.
'WTF, System?!?!' he thought at it. The System declined to answer.
Resolving to put the storage crystal's other contents out of his mind for the time being, Shang Qinghua pulled one of the outfits out of the qiankun garter belt: a set of silk robes in shades of yellow and green gifted to him by the Forest Mantis Demon Clan, who reared silkworms the size of small cats.
All of the spare garments he'd packed for this trip had been gifts from ambassadors, actually; rude or not, though, Shang Qinghua rarely wore them. His king tended to get unusually grumpy when he did, even by Mobei-Jun's standards, so aside from the few hours to welcome the gifting clans any time they paid a formal visit, the robes been relegated to the back of his closet for emergency situations only. When he'd gone to pack a few extra outfits he knew he wouldn't be upset to lose to the nakedness plague, these had been the first in his bag.
Straightening his robes to make sure none of what he wore underneath was showing, Shang Qinghua exited the side room. He pulled a passing kitchen worker aside as they were rushing by. "There's a foiled assassin in this room; alert the guards and have him taken to the dungeon at the first opportunity," he ordered, then dashed off to return to his king's side.
-----
Shang Qinghua made it to the head table moments before Mobei-Jun was to formally start the banquet, slightly out of breath. His king glanced over at him and frowned before turning his attention back to the courtiers.
"On behalf of Emperor Luo Binghe, the Vernal Equinox Banquet now begins," Mobei-Jun announced, signalling to everyone that it was time to sit. Shang Qinghua sank gratefully into the chair at Mobei-Jun's right and smiled up at his king; Mobei-Jun glared back at him. "That is not what you were wearing earlier," he said.
"Ah, this?" Shang Qinghua plucked nervously at his robes. "I'm afraid I tripped and spilled something on my other outfit while I was checking on something in the kitchen. These were the closest spare robes I had at the time." He hoped he wasn't in too much trouble for not wearing his king's colors right then! Not that he'd been wearing them when he arrived, but his king had never seemed to object to him wearing An Ding Peak colors, either.
"Hn," Mobei-Jun responded, then turned his attention to the appetizer they were being served: tiny spring rolls filled with northern greens and crimson sea scorpion meat, which tasted kind of like lobster, but sweeter.
They'd made it to the second course—a soup heavy with fish and various root vegetables—when Shang Qinghua noticed a flicker from the corner of his eye, signaling the second attempt; the System soon confirmed his suspicions. [Mission: God Save the King: Part 2, activated.]
"I'm so sorry, my king, but another one of those things has just come up," he apologized while getting to his feet.
Mobei-Jun stared at him. "This king trusts that you will be swift in your return," he warned.
Shang Qinghua felt a drip of sweat slide down the back of his neck. "Of course, my king! I'll be back in just a few minutes!"
Mobei-Jun nodded sharply and returned his attention to his soup; with a sigh of relief, Shang Qinghua went about the business of protecting his king.
He slipped unnoticed along the edge of the room, decked in shadows and movements muffled by the revelry surrounding him as he made his way to the opposite side from his king. With one eye on the ceiling where it met the wall, he shuffled some of his few remaining non-sex-related supplies from his qiankun garter belt: A few knives treated with a paralytic agent, and a length of crystal night cave silkworm rope. Watching carefully, he was able to make out a faint ripple in the air near the ceiling. Quick as lightning, he threw three knives in a row along the path he predicted the demon agent would take; a meaty thunk and the drip of suddenly visible blood signaled that one had hit home.
Shang Qinghua braced himself to catch the invisible body that fell from the ceiling. He grunted when it landed in his outstretched arms, then shifted it over one shoulder like a sack of yams and carried it into a near-by closet. There, he felt around on the demon's neck until he managed to poke the pressure points that deactivated the demon's camouflaging technique.
The paralytic agent that Shang Qinghua used was both fast acting and effective, leaving the Night Chameleon Clan demon unable to do anything more than glare at him once revealed. This part of the plan had been designed to weed out any potential leader who wasn't canny enough to detect a hidden enemy, particularly while suffering the weakening effects of the Mountain Thistle demon's poison; Night Chameleon Clan demons specialized in stealth to carry out their physical assassinations. Shang Qinghua tutted as he tied the demon up. "You really should have known better than to try anything in Mobei-Jun's court," he admonished. "Still, there's a chance you'll get to live..."
[Mission: God Save the King: Part 2, complete] the System informed him. Shang Qinghua smiled smugly in respo—
"—ah-CHOO!"
A sudden sneeze rocked Shang Qinghua's body, ripping his replacement robes to shreds. When his eyes were clear enough to take stock of the closet, he counted himself very lucky that a large piece of his shredded robes was draped over the would-be assassin's face, protecting both of them from him seeing Shang Qinghua in lingerie. Fuuuuuck, Shang Qinghua swore internally. Maybe he could just... leave the demon like this? Actually, that sounded like a good idea; he could even tie that scrap of fabric on more securely and claim it was meant to be a blindfold!
Nodding in satisfaction over his own excellent resource management skills, Shang Qinghua reached back into the qiankun garter belt's storage crystal for his next backup outfit: A set of light blue woolen robes made by the Moonlight Horned Rabbit Clan, the wool spun from the shed fur of their rabbit forms. The color was closer to Mobei clan blue than the greens and yellows of the silk robes he had been wearing, and they were warmer than a lot of his other robes, but Shang Qinghua suspected that there was a lingering smell that bothered his king; Mobei-Jun always wrinkled his nose to see Shang Qinghua wearing them, so they'd been relegated to the back of the closet with the other ambassador-gifted robes.
Presentable once again, Shang Qinghua re-entered the banquet hall and directed a guard to the closet where he'd left the incapacitated demon; he had to get back to his king!
-----
Luck was with Shang Qinghua, and the servers had only just cleared the soup course away from the table in favor of the first of the meat courses when he made it back to his seat. He tucked a few flyaway strands of hair back behind his ears and settled in to try the dish: Roasted firewing duck breast on a bed of fifty-clove garlic scapes.
"You are wearing something different again," Mobei-Jun observed as he lifted a whole duck breast to his mouth.
"Ah, my apologies, my king," Shang Qinghua said nervously, cutting his own duck breast into bite-sized pieces. "I went to go make sure some of the repairs to the side closet were holding up, and it turns out they weren't! My robes got torn on a loose nail, and I certainly didn't want to embarrass you by wearing torn robes! Luckily, I happened to have this set of robes near-by, so I switched over for now."
"...hn," Mobei-Jun responded. Shang Qinghua didn't think his king was entirely satisfied with the answer, but at least he'd dropped the subject for now; with any luck, he'd forget it entirely by the end of the banquet—especially since there was only one assassination attempt left for Shang Qinghua to deal with.
Surely Mobei-Jun wouldn't kill him just for wearing clothing his king didn't care for, right? Right?
Shang Qinghua didn't have long to worry about it, however, as his meal was once again interrupted by the System: [Mission: God Save the King: Part 3, activated.] Sure enough, Shang Qinghua soon caught sight of a Fire Runner Clan demon making his way towards one of the banquet hall's side doors. With a longing look at the remains of his dragonblood-stewed horned prawns and eelweed (the closest thing he'd found to proper noodles in the demon realm), he made to get up from his seat. Beside him, Mobei-Jun stiffened.
Shang Qinghua winced. "I'm sorry, my king, but this should be the last time!" he said. "After this, I'll stay by your side for the rest of the evening, I swear it."
"...Very well," he allowed. "But do not allow this Mobei-Jun to remain unaccompanied for long."
"This servant will return before the next course is done," Shang Qinghua assured him. Mobei-Jun grunted, displeased, but allowed Shang Qinghua to slip away.
Using the servant hallways, Shang Qinghua managed to catch up to the Fire Runner demon just outside of Mobei-Jun's quarters, where he was setting up the last pieces of a large and intricate array: Fire Runner Clan demons had a greater resistance to spiritual cultivation than most demons, allowing them to walk right over most cultivator-powered arrays with minimal damage, and this one was surely taking advantage of that gift. The array itself was designed to incapacitate and slowly drain the qi from any demon caught within, and once its power source was properly applied, it would be effectively invisible to any demon who didn't know to look for it—or to anyone who didn't have access to spiritual cultivation.
The conspiring clans had made a deal with a shady cultivator for the transferable array; their goal with this was to invalidate the claim to power of any demon who wasn't strong enough to detect the array on their own. While Mobei-Jun was probably strong enough to detect it, if the earlier poisoning had gone through, he would have been in no state to do so effectively, leaving him at the array's mercy. Even with the poison out of the picture, however, Shang Qinghua wasn't taking chances.
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you," he said, stepping out into the hallway behind the demon. The demon startled, fist clenching reflexively around the spirit stone he was holding before turning to face Shang Qinghua.
"And who's going to stop me?" the demon sneered, feet smoking slightly as he stepped out of the center of the array. "Mobei-Jun's pet human? A pathetic, second-rate Peak Lord, who only rose to power through the patronage of a demon lord? Once I drop this spirit stone and activate the array, there will be nothing you can do to prevent us from achieving our goal!"
Shang Qinghua considered that. "You're probably right," he agreed, then kicked the demon in the solar plexus.
Unprepared for the attack, the demon let out a surprised "Oof!" and stumbled backwards into the array, dropping the spirit stone he was holding. The array activated as soon as the spirit stone hit the floor, lighting up and trapping the demon inside; Fire Runner Clan demons may have had some immunity weaker arrays, but were no match for an array designed to trap and disable a demon lord. He lost consciousness in an instant.
Shang Qinghua dusted his hands off on his robe as the System chimed again to inform him, [Mission: God Save the King: Part 3, complete.]
He turned around to head back to the banquet hall, only to be caught in another powerful sneeze: "Ah-CHOO!"
Ah, fuck. Shang Qinghua blinked rapidly to clear his eyes, then wrinkled his nose at the scent of burning wool; it seemed as though the array trapping the Fire Runner demon was sensitive enough to target demonic materials as well, which the shredded remains of his most recent robes definitely qualified as. With a sigh, he pulled his final set of spare robes from the qiankun garter belt: Primarily in earth tones and gifted to him by the yak-herding Sun Tortoise Clan demons, these robes were not technically fancy enough for an event like the Vernal Equinox Banquet, but they would have to do.
Thankfully, the Fire Runner demon was the final planned attack he could remember, so he only had to make it to the end of the banquet and he'd be able to go save Cucumber-bro!
-----
Slightly flushed from exertion, Shang Qinghua managed to get back to his seat at the head table just before the main course was brought out. He beamed up at Mobei-Jun, finally able to relax with the plot out of the way.
Mobei-Jun raised an eyebrow. "Another outfit change."
"Ah, well, you see," Shang Qinghua bullshitted, "I tripped while I was on my way to deal with this most recent matter; a courtier managed to catch me, but his claws caught on my robes, and, well, even demonic wool is only so sturdy! So I switched it out for this one." He plucked lightly at the brown fabric. "To be honest, my king, I'm rather looking forward to this banquet ending; I haven't had a chance to get back to my chambers to change, and it will be good to get back into more familiar clothing!"
"Hm," Mobei-Jun said; his posture straightened almost imperceptibly and he leaned a bit closer into Shang Qinghua's space, but Shang Qinghua barely noticed. Just a few more hours, and then he'd be able to head back to Jinlan City, rescue Cucumber-bro, and hopefully get an alternate cure for this plague from Mu Qingfang while they figured out how to keep Luo Binghe from killing Shen Qingqiu before the mushroom bodies were ready. He was about to take his first bite of the main course when the doors to the banquet hall opened with a boom.
[Mission: God Save the King: Final part, activated] the System informed him, and the bottom dropped out of Shang Qinghua's stomach.
"Mobei-Jun, King of the North, regent for the Demon Emperor!" a demoness roared from the doorway. "Stand and face your challenger in honorable combat!"
Shiiiiiiiit, Shang Qinghua thought, his blood curdling. He'd forgotten all about the fourth attacker! And, well, no wonder; in PIDW, the heiress to the Central Plains Pronghorn Clan had been so impressed by Luo Bingge's skilled handling of the prior three assassins that she'd fallen into his arms in a fit of lust rather than attacking him, as had been the plan when he'd survived the earlier attacks. In this universe, however, Luo Binghe wasn't here; nor had Mobei-Jun been the one to deal with the plotting tribes. Instead, it had all been Shang Qinghua.
"You dare let a human, a cultivator at that, fight for you? Does your emperor grant us so little face that even his regent would let someone else fight in his stead?!" she continued.
Mobei-Jun stood and held up a hand for her to stop. "This king allowed Peak Lord Shang Qinghua to act on his behalf because his strength was more than sufficient for the task. If you remain unconvinced of his prowess, however, this Mobei-Jun will allow you the honor of facing him in single combat."
The demoness tossed her head haughtily. "Accepted; this will be a quick match. Once I defeat this unworthy rodent, I will fight you, after which you and your emperor will be forced to acknowledge the will of the Central Plains Pronghorn Clan!"
Mobei-Jun glanced down at Shang Qinghua, who swallowed heavily. He could make this work; he just had to remember the weaknesses he'd come up with for the Central Plains Pronghorn demons! Luo Bingge had needed to face her clan elders in single combat for the crime of deflowering their heir, after all, even if she had been promised a place of honor in his future harem. Known for their speed and evasive maneuvers, he thought to himself. Poor defense, though, so if you can trip them, they're usually easy to defeat from there. So I just have to get her to lose her footing... He drew his sword from the qiankun garter belt. "This servant is ready, my king," Shang Qinghua said.
Mobei-Jun frowned again, but signaled the palace staff, who quickly cleared a ring in the center of the banquet hall. Shang Qinghua and the demoness stepped up to face each other, Shang Qinghua holding his sword and the demoness brandishing a mace. She glared disdainfully at Shang Qinghua, clearly underestimating him; Shang Qinghua decided to lean into it, leaving a few obvious weaknesses in his opening stance, and watched as she became visibly more confident. He could do this.
Mobei-Jun raised one arm, then let it fall. "Begin!"
The demoness charged him, mace at the ready; Shang Qinghua raised his sword to block and ducked under the weapon, making sure to just barely get out of the way on time, when he felt it: The telltale tickle of an oncoming sneeze. Suddenly panicking for real, Shang Qinghua scurried out of range, hoping for a bit more breathing room while he tried to fend off the sneeze. The demoness pressed the advantage, closing in on him and swinging her mace viciously as he tried to breathe only through his mouth and chanted the word "watermelon" under his breath. While he could tell that these antics were helping his attempt at playing a trumped-up buffoon, they also merely delayed the inevitable, and Shang Qinghua soon found himself sneezing harder than he had all day: "Ah-CHOOOO!"
The head of the demoness' mace slammed into the ground next to him with a thud as Shang Qinghua's robes flew to pieces, scraps of cloth flying everywhere; he was left standing in the middle of the banquet hall, surrounded by demons, wearing nothing but lingerie in Mobei clan colors.
In the ruckus, a piece of his former outerwear hit the demoness right in the face. As she spluttered in indignation, Shang Qinghua managed to suppress his embarrassment long enough to strike: A quick succession of hits had her dropping her mace and to the floor, before Shang Qinghua shoved her on her belly and pinned her with a knee to her spine. Holding his sword to her neck, he glared at the surrounding demons before bowing to Mobei-Jun. "My king."
For all he was an ice demon, Shang Qinghua swore he saw his king's eyes flash with genuine heat as he nodded in acknowledgement of Shang Qinghua's victory. Shang Qinghua was starting to feel a bit warm himself when a groan from the pinned demoness reminded him of his circumstances; the heat of arousal quickly turned to that of embarrassment when he remembered exactly what he was wearing and how many demons could see him. Embarrassment was joined by rage when the System chimed in:
[Mission: God Save the King: Complete. Reward: Winter Consort Lingerie Set. Optional Mission: Cherries on Ice now unlocked.]
Shang Qinghua was frozen in place—mostly metaphorically, but also kinda actually cold now that he was down to a set of lacy nothings and with the adrenaline of the fight leaving him. He desperately wanted to leave; instead, he got to his feet and walked to stand by Mobei-Jun, blushing fiercely the entire time.
[Mission requirements are as follows,] the System continued, then opened a list. A very explicit list, including plenty of acts that Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky had never thought to include in Proud Immortal Demon Way.
Shang Qinghua blushed harder. 'Uh, how about no?' If nothing else, he needed to haul ass back to Jinlan City as soon as possible, and maybe find another set of lingerie for Cucumber-bro while he was at it.
[Is Host sure? With great risk comes great reward,] the System sent.
Shang Qinghua rolled his eyes internally. 'Oh yeah? Like what? Another set of lingerie that only I can wear?'
[Full System shut down and removal.]
Shang Qinghua reconsidered. Surely he could find someone to complete the list with, even if he had to pay them to do it! And besides that, Shen Qingqiu was an accomplished peak lord; there was no guarantee he'd run into Luo Binghe in the first place, but if he did, he was smart and fast enough escape no problem. Worst case scenario, Shang Qinghua would still be left alive to finish the mushroom bodies, and he could probably figure out a way to summon Cucumber-bro's wayward soul into one. Best case scenario, with his System out of the picture, Shang Qinghua would be able to explain everything to Luo Binghe and save Cucumber-bro's life that way! (And hopefully also his own, while he was at it.)
[Offer expires in 5... 4...]
Shang Qinghua slammed the Accept button.
[Optional Mission: Cherries on Ice: Activated. Time left to complete: 23:59:59.]
Shang Qinghua waved the System window away and took in the room around him again. As usual, little to no time seemed to have passed while he was interacting with the System, but Mobei-Jun was now standing beside him as palace guards hauled the demoness away. "This king hopes that there are no remaining doubts as to the prowess of his future consort," Mobei-Jun announced, closing a possessive hand on Shang Qinghua's shoulder and glaring around the room. A chorus of negatives flowed from the demons still in attendance, while Airplane's brain went into tailspin. Consort? Did Mobei-Jun just imply that he wanted Shang Qinghua as his consort?
"Now leave," Mobei-Jun dismissed the onlookers, following the order with a blast of qi for emphasis. Shang Qinghua stared up at him as the demonic court quickly cleared the room.
"I. You said future consort. Did. Did you mean me?" he squeaked out.
Mobei-Jun reached out to fondle the pendant hanging from Shang Qinghua's choker, tracing the zuiyin with his thumb. "Did Qinghua not already declare himself to be mine before all of the emperor's subjects?" he rumbled.
Heat began to pool in Shang Qinghua's stomach, and his nipples, already peaked from the cold, went rock hard. (As did something else; he was suddenly hyper-aware of how uncomfortable thongs could be!) He licked his lips. "I... suppose I did," he admitted. His breath caught in his throat. "And... my king accepted?"
Mobei-Jun stared down at him, his own gaze molten. Shang Qinghua found himself finally putting together a lot of puzzle pieces he'd never thought to connect before. "This king hopes that Shang Qinghua does not also doubt his own suitability."
"I, well, no! That is, of course my king should have whatever he wants, and if he thinks that this serva—ah, I mean, this Shang Qinghua," he corrected himself at Mobei-Jun's glare, "is worthy, then who could possibly argue? And, well. This Shang Qinghua, that is, I, would also. Really like. That."
"Hn," Mobei-Jun said, satisfied.
"So, um, my king..." Shang Qinghua said, glancing at the System's list from the corner of his eye as his heart fluttered in his chest. "Do you suppose we could take some time to, well, celebrate? The formal announcement of our courtship? I may have a few suggestions, if that would interest you." He bit his lip and did his best to look coquettishly up through his lashes.
"Mn," Mobei-Jun said again, the corner of his mouth turning up. With no other warning, Mobei-Jun swept Shang Qinghua up over his shoulder, a position that he would complain about were it not for A) The fantastic view he now had of Mobei-Jun's backside, and B) The possessive hands kneading his ass and thighs through the lingerie.
Shang Qinghua didn't think it would take the whole twenty-four hours to get through the entire list of requirements for Cherries on Ice, but he decided that they should go through it twice, just to be sure. Cucumber-bro could wait.
--Fin--
So my original thought was, "What if Shang Qinghua wasn't there to help in Jinlan City for MoShang reasons? As in, Mobei-Jun hauled him away?" And then the only title I could come up with on the same theme as "Sanity in Tatters" and "Sanity in Shreds" involved ribbons, so lingerie got involved. Gwogobo was the one to suggest Badass!SQH, though I think I may have leaned into that at the expense of more humor in some places. Still, I think I'm satisfied with how this turned out. (Watch as I spend the next week making stealth edits regardless 🤦♀️)
Anyway, monster lore!
(Crystal Night Cave Silkworms are a repeat from chapter three of Only One Bed.)
SQH, eighteen hours later: My king, that was wonderful, but I really should at least check on SQQ sometime soon...
MBJ: *grunts, opens a portal into SQQ's room at the inn*
SQH: *peers through*
SQQ: *resting in the arms of LBH, thoroughly sexed-out*
LBH: *glares at SQH and tightens his arms around SQQ*
SQH: Never mind, he's got things covered.
Summary: Shang Qinghua actually had a very good reason for ditching Shen Qingqiu a few hours outside of Jinlan City, thank you very much, and it was only somewhat to do with not wanting to sneeze himself naked in a city full of strangers.
Mirrors: On AO3
Wordcount: ~6800
Ships: MoShang
Notes: Inspired by Sanity in Tatters and Sanity in Shreds
Fic: Sanity in Ribbons
Shang Qinghua actually had a very good reason for ditching Shen Qingqiu a few hours outside of Jinlan City, thank you very much. He knew what it looked like, claiming to need a break to rest before sneaking off and leaving Cucumber-bro to fend for himself, but he did have a reason! And it wasn't just about escaping his fellow transmigrator's scathing commentary on his writing, or not wanting to face the plague in Jinlan City himself!
Those were only about half the reason he'd run away; the other half was an unplublished PIDW extra that he hadn't managed to post before kicking the bucket.
Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky had been a lot of things, but he knew what most of his readers were paying for, and it wasn't worldbuilding or plot; it was power fantasies and sex. So the original run of the "nakedness plague", which had hit the first Luo Binghe's harem when it was still easily counted in dozens, had been both very popular with his readership and very good for his wallet. He'd managed to drag that plague out for over two weeks, ultimately culminating in an orgy between Bingge and the fan favorite wives of the time. Xiang Fei had ended up with enough money to buy a bulk pack of the good instant noodles after publishing that, and it had also given him time to plot out the next few story arcs. Story arcs that inevitably got derailed by more instant gratification and sex scenes, but it still counted!
The point was, it had been a very popular story arc, and he'd always intended to bring the plague back for another run. In fact, he'd had a collection of side stories ready to be published after PIDW ended, just to milk that last little bit out of the series while he started something new. One of them even featured the return of the plague, with what he'd been sure would be a very lucrative new twist: This time, there would be a slight immunity—anything that could be counted as lingerie was not subject to the clothes-destroying aspect of the plague.
Was this just a thinly veiled excuse to write gratuitous sex scenes with the fan favorite wives in anachronistic sexy underwear? Absolutely! Xiang Fei needed the money, dammit! Was it something that Cucumber-bro would tear strips off of him for? No question! But was it also something that might actually save a tiny part of their dignity if it actually worked? Shang Qinghua was willing to find out!
So, when they were still a few hours out from Jinlan City proper, Shang Qinghua snuck away and started investigating the fancy underwear situation in Jinlan City's outlying towns.
Unfortunately, said fancy underwear situation left a lot to be desired. Sure, there were lacy under-robes available in a few brothels and adjacent shops, but while some of the more conservative dressers among Bingge's harem might have gotten away with that, he was pretty sure it wouldn't fly for him or Shen Qingqiu, given their 'modern' sensibilities. With a sigh, he continued on his way to Jinlan City. Maybe there was a shop in their red light district that had something they could use?
-----
Shang Qinghua wove his way through the surprisingly crowded streets, briefly bumping into a group of disciples in Huan Hua colors as he made his way to the red light district. (Honestly, he wasn't at all surprised that the Old Palace Master had wanted Huan Hua Palace to investigate this particular plague, that perverted old goat!) He was peering in vain for any shop that might be selling a negligee, when it happened:
[Beep! System activation successful.]
Shang Qinghua froze. What the fuck was that?!
[Universal activation key: Luo Binghe.]
He swallowed heavily. Oh, no. No no no no no. Did this mean that Luo Binghe was back already?!
[Self-examination results: Central power source is operating normally and in good condition.]
Shit, that basically confirmed it! Shang Qinghua took a moment to wonder why it had never occurred to him that a Luo Binghe whose cultivation hadn't been corrupted for his entire stay on Qing Jing Peak would have an easier time getting out of the Endless Abyss. Then, more importantly, he wondered why it hadn't occurred to Cucumber-bro, Binghe's ultimate stan.
[Hibernation mode suspended. Normal operation mode activated. Downloading System update...]
Fuck! Never mind, he could worry about that later! Right now, he needed to focus on the crisis at hand. Maybe he could find some way to interrupt the System's download...?
[Download and installation of update complete. Storyline: "A Plague in Jinlan" detected.]
Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
Shang Qinghua ducked into an alleyway to hyperventilate. Okay, he thought, time to take stock of things. The mushroom bodies aren't quite ready yet, but if I go right now, I can probably find Cucumber-bro before his System reactivates. From there, we should be able to get out of here and away from Binghe long enough to brainstorm a way to buy the time we need.
Plan made, and heart rate once again approaching normal, Shang Qinghua turned to walk out of the alley—only to bump into a pair of cool, firm pectoral muscles. He looked up and made eye contact with Mobei-Jun, whose own eyes narrowed in return.
"Today is the Vernal Equinox Banquet. This king requires your presence."
At the same time, the System chimed in his mind. [New status: Infected] it informed him.
Shang Qinghua could feel himself ascending to a brand new realm of panic, previously undiscovered by demons and cultivators alike. He did not want to be at the Northern Demon Kingdom when he was liable to lose all of his clothing at the drop of a sneeze! First of all, he'd freeze his dick off. Second, there was humiliation of potentially losing all of his clothes in front of the Northern court. Third, he still needed to find Cucumber-bro and get him away from Luo Binghe!
He opened his mouth, about to attempt to bullshit his way out of it, when a new System window popped up.
[Optional mission: God Save the King. Equipment provided for mission: Winter Consort Lingerie Set.]
He closed his mouth. 'Do I get to keep the lingerie after?' he asked the System.
[Lingerie will be permanently awarded for successful completion of mission.]
Okay, this he could work with. From what he remembered of the banquet, all of the dangers were front-loaded, so Shang Qinghua should be able to attend long enough to subvert them, then high-tail it back to Jinlan City with clothing that could potentially spare both his and Shen Qingqiu's dignity!
[Alert: Winter Consort Lingerie Set is locked to Host.]
Okay, so he couldn't share the lingerie with Cucumber-bro; the guy probably wouldn't want it after Shang Qinghua wore it, anyway. But Shang Qinghua could at least stand in front of Shen Qingqiu if the latter ended up sneezing his clothes off, and maybe save a little of his dignity that way!
New course of action decided, Shang Qinghua promptly abandoned all plans of weaseling out of the banquet and slapped the virtual 'Accept' button. "Of course, my king! This servant would be happy to attend with you!"
The end of Mobei-Jun's left eyebrow twitched, a movement that Shang Qinghua had learned to identify as mild irritation, but he opened a portal to the Northern Kingdom regardless. Sorry, Cucumber-bro! Airplane thought at his fellow transmigrator as he was ushered through the portal. Just hold on until I get back; I'm sure even you can't get too thoroughly fucked in just a few hours, though!
-----
As they walked through the palace to the banquet hall, Airplane sifted through his memory for more details about this event. It would be easier if he could pick Cucumber-bro's brain about it, but that wasn't exactly an option right now. Still, he was fairly certain he remembered the important bits.
This banquet happened fairly early on in the original Luo Binghe's conquest of the demonic empire: A number of demon clans had been rather annoyed at this young upstart, and had banded together to challenge his rule. While none of their plans would have worked on Luo Binghe, who had both Heavenly Demon blood and access to spiritual cultivation, Binghe was notably not in the demon realm at the moment. Instead, it seemed that he had left Mobei-Jun in charge in his stead while he pursued his own goals in the human realm.
Mobei-Jun, who had neither the ability to cultivate spiritually nor Heavenly Demon heritage.
Luckily, Shang Qinghua remembered the plots against the demonic ruler (or his regent, in this case) reasonably well, so he was confident in his ability to subvert them.
"Shang Qinghua," Mobei-Jun commanded, interrupting his thoughts. "There will be many powerful demons at this banquet. Stay by this Mobei-Jun's side."
"Of course, my King!" Shang Qinghua lied. At his king's pointed stare, he quickly amended, "I mean, there may be a few things I have to step out briefly to attend? But they'll be quick, and I'll return to your side as soon as they're over, I promise!"
"...Do you require the assistance of this king in these matters?"
Definitely not! That would just put his king directly in the path of the plots he was trying to prevent! Shang Qinghua smiled nervously up at him. "Ah, thank you for the offer, my King, but they are small matters, not worthy of your attention; they'll only take me a few minutes at most, you'll hardly have time to even notice I'm gone!"
"...Hn." Though Mobei-Jun didn't seem entirely satisfied, he at least wasn't arguing further; Shang Qinghua took it as a win and quickened his pace to keep up as they made their way to the banquet hall.
As predicted, the hall was filled with representatives from every demon clan that Luo Binghe had so far subjugated, as well as a few who were hoping to get an early look at the up-and-coming new ruler. There was a riot of colors and demonic fashions, in addition to the actual noise caused by so many people in one place, many already fighting one another for various reasons; in the midst of the din, Shang Qinghua also noticed a Mountain Thistle Clan demon slipping away in the direction of the kitchen.
In case that wasn't obvious enough, the System chimed at him, [Mission: God Save the King: Part 1, activated.]
Mobei-Jun signaled Shang Qinghua to follow him to the head table, but Shang Qinghua held up his hands instead. "Ah, I'm sorry, my King, but I need to go take care of one of those things right now!" he said. "I'll be back before you know it, I swear!"
Mobei-Jun narrowed his eyes, but nodded sharply. With a sigh of relief, Shang Qinghua smiled once more at his king, then darted off after the Mountain Thistle Clan demon.
The demon was fairly easy to track in the palace kitchens. While he'd managed to find an extra kitchen uniform, and there were enough other last minute temporary workers that he more-or-less blended in, Shang Qinghua was able to follow the green-and-purple ends of the robes sticking out from his sleeves with ease. He waited until he saw the demon about to make his move, hovering near the plates that Mobei-Jun's food would be served on.
Shang Qinghua slipped up right behind the Mountain Thistle demon and said loudly, "There you are!" The demon yelped and fumbled the small bottle he'd been holding, then sighed in relief when he managed to catch it. He quickly tried to tuck it out of sight when Shang Qinghua gripped his shoulder. "I have a very important task that needs doing right now, and the head chef recommended you," he told the demon.
"O-oh? He did?" the demon bluffed. "This servant is honored!" Shang Qinghua gave him points for following the ruse, but none for acting; the demon was visibly shaking, which was quite unusual in as warm a place as a palace kitchen, even one in the Northern Kingdom. "How may this lowly one assist?"
"I just had a few questions to ask you about your plans for the king's plates," Shang Qinghua assured him, ushering him firmly into a side room where extra tableware was stored. "Namely," he continued, shutting the door firmly behind them and holding up the vial he'd swiped while leading the demon away, "what exactly were you planning to poison my king with?"
The Mountain Thistle Clan demon went from terrified to desperate in an instant. "Give that back!" he roared, charging at Shang Qinghua.
The cultivator shrugged. "If you insist," he said, then swept the demon's legs out from under him, pinned him, and poured half the contents of the vial into the demon's still open mouth. He hummed to himself as he slammed a free hand over the demon's mouth and nose and counted down as he waited for the demon to lose consciousness. He got to four before the demon passed out.
The System chimed at him. [Mission: God Save the King: Part 1, complete.]
Shang Qinghua nodded absently at it. Holding up the vial, he examined the tiny label; he'd come up with a lot of poisons for PIDW, and didn't always remember what the non-wife plot ones did. Still, he'd remembered the conspirators' goal for this attack, and it was to either subdue or outright kill any ruler who wasn't strong enough to withstand the poison.
Most poisons he'd come up with were completely ineffective against Heavenly Demons, but still had at least a mild effect against demon lords like Mobei-Jun. Airplane was pretty sure this was one of the ones that had a creeping weakening effect that would last through the night, which was the perfect setup for the remaining plots. It was also a sort of poison that usually spelled immediate death for weaker demons, but the Mountain Thistle Clan specialized in poisons, and even their weakest members were trained to build a partial immunity from a young age; it seemed likely that they'd be able to get information out of this operative yet.
Getting to his feet, Shang Qinghua was about to turn the unconscious demon over to the guards and return to his king's side when he was overtaken by a sneeze. "Ah-choo!" Horrified, he opened his eyes to see the shredded remains of his robes scattered around the side room and draped over stacks of cups and plates. With a heavy swallow, he looked down to examine himself.
He sighed in relief when he saw that the System had already equipped the Winter Consort Lingerie on him. He then had to choke back a stream of blood when he got a good look at the lingerie: It was like something out of one of his wet dreams
This was fine! Shang Qinghua could deal with this! He clenched his eyes shut and patted himself down, hoping that the lack of visuals would help prevent him from thinking about what he was touching. (It didn't.) He'd planned for this—well, sort of. So why couldn't he find...
'System!' he thought hysterically. 'What happened to my qiankun pouch?!'
[Answering Host: Non-relevant contents moved to off-site location "Leisure House". Relevant contents stored in qiankun garter belt.]
Qiankun garter belt?! Even he'd never come up with something so shameless! (He was almost jealous, actually.) Still, he was probably lucky that the System had let him keep any of what he'd been carrying at the time. 'How do I access the qiankun garter belt?' he asked it.
[Items are accessed through garter belt's storage crystal on attached snowflake ornament.]
So that's why that was there! Shang Qinghua quickly fed a thread of qi into the crystal to access its contents—at which point, he almost spat blood again. Yes, secured in the storage crystal were the three emergency backup outfits he'd packed with the nature of this plague in mind, but gone were virtually all of his other supplies. In their place were bottles upon bottles of lube and an impressive collection of dildos.
'WTF, System?!?!' he thought at it. The System declined to answer.
Resolving to put the storage crystal's other contents out of his mind for the time being, Shang Qinghua pulled one of the outfits out of the qiankun garter belt: a set of silk robes in shades of yellow and green gifted to him by the Forest Mantis Demon Clan, who reared silkworms the size of small cats.
All of the spare garments he'd packed for this trip had been gifts from ambassadors, actually; rude or not, though, Shang Qinghua rarely wore them. His king tended to get unusually grumpy when he did, even by Mobei-Jun's standards, so aside from the few hours to welcome the gifting clans any time they paid a formal visit, the robes been relegated to the back of his closet for emergency situations only. When he'd gone to pack a few extra outfits he knew he wouldn't be upset to lose to the nakedness plague, these had been the first in his bag.
Straightening his robes to make sure none of what he wore underneath was showing, Shang Qinghua exited the side room. He pulled a passing kitchen worker aside as they were rushing by. "There's a foiled assassin in this room; alert the guards and have him taken to the dungeon at the first opportunity," he ordered, then dashed off to return to his king's side.
-----
Shang Qinghua made it to the head table moments before Mobei-Jun was to formally start the banquet, slightly out of breath. His king glanced over at him and frowned before turning his attention back to the courtiers.
"On behalf of Emperor Luo Binghe, the Vernal Equinox Banquet now begins," Mobei-Jun announced, signalling to everyone that it was time to sit. Shang Qinghua sank gratefully into the chair at Mobei-Jun's right and smiled up at his king; Mobei-Jun glared back at him. "That is not what you were wearing earlier," he said.
"Ah, this?" Shang Qinghua plucked nervously at his robes. "I'm afraid I tripped and spilled something on my other outfit while I was checking on something in the kitchen. These were the closest spare robes I had at the time." He hoped he wasn't in too much trouble for not wearing his king's colors right then! Not that he'd been wearing them when he arrived, but his king had never seemed to object to him wearing An Ding Peak colors, either.
"Hn," Mobei-Jun responded, then turned his attention to the appetizer they were being served: tiny spring rolls filled with northern greens and crimson sea scorpion meat, which tasted kind of like lobster, but sweeter.
They'd made it to the second course—a soup heavy with fish and various root vegetables—when Shang Qinghua noticed a flicker from the corner of his eye, signaling the second attempt; the System soon confirmed his suspicions. [Mission: God Save the King: Part 2, activated.]
"I'm so sorry, my king, but another one of those things has just come up," he apologized while getting to his feet.
Mobei-Jun stared at him. "This king trusts that you will be swift in your return," he warned.
Shang Qinghua felt a drip of sweat slide down the back of his neck. "Of course, my king! I'll be back in just a few minutes!"
Mobei-Jun nodded sharply and returned his attention to his soup; with a sigh of relief, Shang Qinghua went about the business of protecting his king.
He slipped unnoticed along the edge of the room, decked in shadows and movements muffled by the revelry surrounding him as he made his way to the opposite side from his king. With one eye on the ceiling where it met the wall, he shuffled some of his few remaining non-sex-related supplies from his qiankun garter belt: A few knives treated with a paralytic agent, and a length of crystal night cave silkworm rope. Watching carefully, he was able to make out a faint ripple in the air near the ceiling. Quick as lightning, he threw three knives in a row along the path he predicted the demon agent would take; a meaty thunk and the drip of suddenly visible blood signaled that one had hit home.
Shang Qinghua braced himself to catch the invisible body that fell from the ceiling. He grunted when it landed in his outstretched arms, then shifted it over one shoulder like a sack of yams and carried it into a near-by closet. There, he felt around on the demon's neck until he managed to poke the pressure points that deactivated the demon's camouflaging technique.
The paralytic agent that Shang Qinghua used was both fast acting and effective, leaving the Night Chameleon Clan demon unable to do anything more than glare at him once revealed. This part of the plan had been designed to weed out any potential leader who wasn't canny enough to detect a hidden enemy, particularly while suffering the weakening effects of the Mountain Thistle demon's poison; Night Chameleon Clan demons specialized in stealth to carry out their physical assassinations. Shang Qinghua tutted as he tied the demon up. "You really should have known better than to try anything in Mobei-Jun's court," he admonished. "Still, there's a chance you'll get to live..."
[Mission: God Save the King: Part 2, complete] the System informed him. Shang Qinghua smiled smugly in respo—
"—ah-CHOO!"
A sudden sneeze rocked Shang Qinghua's body, ripping his replacement robes to shreds. When his eyes were clear enough to take stock of the closet, he counted himself very lucky that a large piece of his shredded robes was draped over the would-be assassin's face, protecting both of them from him seeing Shang Qinghua in lingerie. Fuuuuuck, Shang Qinghua swore internally. Maybe he could just... leave the demon like this? Actually, that sounded like a good idea; he could even tie that scrap of fabric on more securely and claim it was meant to be a blindfold!
Nodding in satisfaction over his own excellent resource management skills, Shang Qinghua reached back into the qiankun garter belt's storage crystal for his next backup outfit: A set of light blue woolen robes made by the Moonlight Horned Rabbit Clan, the wool spun from the shed fur of their rabbit forms. The color was closer to Mobei clan blue than the greens and yellows of the silk robes he had been wearing, and they were warmer than a lot of his other robes, but Shang Qinghua suspected that there was a lingering smell that bothered his king; Mobei-Jun always wrinkled his nose to see Shang Qinghua wearing them, so they'd been relegated to the back of the closet with the other ambassador-gifted robes.
Presentable once again, Shang Qinghua re-entered the banquet hall and directed a guard to the closet where he'd left the incapacitated demon; he had to get back to his king!
-----
Luck was with Shang Qinghua, and the servers had only just cleared the soup course away from the table in favor of the first of the meat courses when he made it back to his seat. He tucked a few flyaway strands of hair back behind his ears and settled in to try the dish: Roasted firewing duck breast on a bed of fifty-clove garlic scapes.
"You are wearing something different again," Mobei-Jun observed as he lifted a whole duck breast to his mouth.
"Ah, my apologies, my king," Shang Qinghua said nervously, cutting his own duck breast into bite-sized pieces. "I went to go make sure some of the repairs to the side closet were holding up, and it turns out they weren't! My robes got torn on a loose nail, and I certainly didn't want to embarrass you by wearing torn robes! Luckily, I happened to have this set of robes near-by, so I switched over for now."
"...hn," Mobei-Jun responded. Shang Qinghua didn't think his king was entirely satisfied with the answer, but at least he'd dropped the subject for now; with any luck, he'd forget it entirely by the end of the banquet—especially since there was only one assassination attempt left for Shang Qinghua to deal with.
Surely Mobei-Jun wouldn't kill him just for wearing clothing his king didn't care for, right? Right?
Shang Qinghua didn't have long to worry about it, however, as his meal was once again interrupted by the System: [Mission: God Save the King: Part 3, activated.] Sure enough, Shang Qinghua soon caught sight of a Fire Runner Clan demon making his way towards one of the banquet hall's side doors. With a longing look at the remains of his dragonblood-stewed horned prawns and eelweed (the closest thing he'd found to proper noodles in the demon realm), he made to get up from his seat. Beside him, Mobei-Jun stiffened.
Shang Qinghua winced. "I'm sorry, my king, but this should be the last time!" he said. "After this, I'll stay by your side for the rest of the evening, I swear it."
"...Very well," he allowed. "But do not allow this Mobei-Jun to remain unaccompanied for long."
"This servant will return before the next course is done," Shang Qinghua assured him. Mobei-Jun grunted, displeased, but allowed Shang Qinghua to slip away.
Using the servant hallways, Shang Qinghua managed to catch up to the Fire Runner demon just outside of Mobei-Jun's quarters, where he was setting up the last pieces of a large and intricate array: Fire Runner Clan demons had a greater resistance to spiritual cultivation than most demons, allowing them to walk right over most cultivator-powered arrays with minimal damage, and this one was surely taking advantage of that gift. The array itself was designed to incapacitate and slowly drain the qi from any demon caught within, and once its power source was properly applied, it would be effectively invisible to any demon who didn't know to look for it—or to anyone who didn't have access to spiritual cultivation.
The conspiring clans had made a deal with a shady cultivator for the transferable array; their goal with this was to invalidate the claim to power of any demon who wasn't strong enough to detect the array on their own. While Mobei-Jun was probably strong enough to detect it, if the earlier poisoning had gone through, he would have been in no state to do so effectively, leaving him at the array's mercy. Even with the poison out of the picture, however, Shang Qinghua wasn't taking chances.
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you," he said, stepping out into the hallway behind the demon. The demon startled, fist clenching reflexively around the spirit stone he was holding before turning to face Shang Qinghua.
"And who's going to stop me?" the demon sneered, feet smoking slightly as he stepped out of the center of the array. "Mobei-Jun's pet human? A pathetic, second-rate Peak Lord, who only rose to power through the patronage of a demon lord? Once I drop this spirit stone and activate the array, there will be nothing you can do to prevent us from achieving our goal!"
Shang Qinghua considered that. "You're probably right," he agreed, then kicked the demon in the solar plexus.
Unprepared for the attack, the demon let out a surprised "Oof!" and stumbled backwards into the array, dropping the spirit stone he was holding. The array activated as soon as the spirit stone hit the floor, lighting up and trapping the demon inside; Fire Runner Clan demons may have had some immunity weaker arrays, but were no match for an array designed to trap and disable a demon lord. He lost consciousness in an instant.
Shang Qinghua dusted his hands off on his robe as the System chimed again to inform him, [Mission: God Save the King: Part 3, complete.]
He turned around to head back to the banquet hall, only to be caught in another powerful sneeze: "Ah-CHOO!"
Ah, fuck. Shang Qinghua blinked rapidly to clear his eyes, then wrinkled his nose at the scent of burning wool; it seemed as though the array trapping the Fire Runner demon was sensitive enough to target demonic materials as well, which the shredded remains of his most recent robes definitely qualified as. With a sigh, he pulled his final set of spare robes from the qiankun garter belt: Primarily in earth tones and gifted to him by the yak-herding Sun Tortoise Clan demons, these robes were not technically fancy enough for an event like the Vernal Equinox Banquet, but they would have to do.
Thankfully, the Fire Runner demon was the final planned attack he could remember, so he only had to make it to the end of the banquet and he'd be able to go save Cucumber-bro!
-----
Slightly flushed from exertion, Shang Qinghua managed to get back to his seat at the head table just before the main course was brought out. He beamed up at Mobei-Jun, finally able to relax with the plot out of the way.
Mobei-Jun raised an eyebrow. "Another outfit change."
"Ah, well, you see," Shang Qinghua bullshitted, "I tripped while I was on my way to deal with this most recent matter; a courtier managed to catch me, but his claws caught on my robes, and, well, even demonic wool is only so sturdy! So I switched it out for this one." He plucked lightly at the brown fabric. "To be honest, my king, I'm rather looking forward to this banquet ending; I haven't had a chance to get back to my chambers to change, and it will be good to get back into more familiar clothing!"
"Hm," Mobei-Jun said; his posture straightened almost imperceptibly and he leaned a bit closer into Shang Qinghua's space, but Shang Qinghua barely noticed. Just a few more hours, and then he'd be able to head back to Jinlan City, rescue Cucumber-bro, and hopefully get an alternate cure for this plague from Mu Qingfang while they figured out how to keep Luo Binghe from killing Shen Qingqiu before the mushroom bodies were ready. He was about to take his first bite of the main course when the doors to the banquet hall opened with a boom.
[Mission: God Save the King: Final part, activated] the System informed him, and the bottom dropped out of Shang Qinghua's stomach.
"Mobei-Jun, King of the North, regent for the Demon Emperor!" a demoness roared from the doorway. "Stand and face your challenger in honorable combat!"
Shiiiiiiiit, Shang Qinghua thought, his blood curdling. He'd forgotten all about the fourth attacker! And, well, no wonder; in PIDW, the heiress to the Central Plains Pronghorn Clan had been so impressed by Luo Bingge's skilled handling of the prior three assassins that she'd fallen into his arms in a fit of lust rather than attacking him, as had been the plan when he'd survived the earlier attacks. In this universe, however, Luo Binghe wasn't here; nor had Mobei-Jun been the one to deal with the plotting tribes. Instead, it had all been Shang Qinghua.
"You dare let a human, a cultivator at that, fight for you? Does your emperor grant us so little face that even his regent would let someone else fight in his stead?!" she continued.
Mobei-Jun stood and held up a hand for her to stop. "This king allowed Peak Lord Shang Qinghua to act on his behalf because his strength was more than sufficient for the task. If you remain unconvinced of his prowess, however, this Mobei-Jun will allow you the honor of facing him in single combat."
The demoness tossed her head haughtily. "Accepted; this will be a quick match. Once I defeat this unworthy rodent, I will fight you, after which you and your emperor will be forced to acknowledge the will of the Central Plains Pronghorn Clan!"
Mobei-Jun glanced down at Shang Qinghua, who swallowed heavily. He could make this work; he just had to remember the weaknesses he'd come up with for the Central Plains Pronghorn demons! Luo Bingge had needed to face her clan elders in single combat for the crime of deflowering their heir, after all, even if she had been promised a place of honor in his future harem. Known for their speed and evasive maneuvers, he thought to himself. Poor defense, though, so if you can trip them, they're usually easy to defeat from there. So I just have to get her to lose her footing... He drew his sword from the qiankun garter belt. "This servant is ready, my king," Shang Qinghua said.
Mobei-Jun frowned again, but signaled the palace staff, who quickly cleared a ring in the center of the banquet hall. Shang Qinghua and the demoness stepped up to face each other, Shang Qinghua holding his sword and the demoness brandishing a mace. She glared disdainfully at Shang Qinghua, clearly underestimating him; Shang Qinghua decided to lean into it, leaving a few obvious weaknesses in his opening stance, and watched as she became visibly more confident. He could do this.
Mobei-Jun raised one arm, then let it fall. "Begin!"
The demoness charged him, mace at the ready; Shang Qinghua raised his sword to block and ducked under the weapon, making sure to just barely get out of the way on time, when he felt it: The telltale tickle of an oncoming sneeze. Suddenly panicking for real, Shang Qinghua scurried out of range, hoping for a bit more breathing room while he tried to fend off the sneeze. The demoness pressed the advantage, closing in on him and swinging her mace viciously as he tried to breathe only through his mouth and chanted the word "watermelon" under his breath. While he could tell that these antics were helping his attempt at playing a trumped-up buffoon, they also merely delayed the inevitable, and Shang Qinghua soon found himself sneezing harder than he had all day: "Ah-CHOOOO!"
The head of the demoness' mace slammed into the ground next to him with a thud as Shang Qinghua's robes flew to pieces, scraps of cloth flying everywhere; he was left standing in the middle of the banquet hall, surrounded by demons, wearing nothing but lingerie in Mobei clan colors.
In the ruckus, a piece of his former outerwear hit the demoness right in the face. As she spluttered in indignation, Shang Qinghua managed to suppress his embarrassment long enough to strike: A quick succession of hits had her dropping her mace and to the floor, before Shang Qinghua shoved her on her belly and pinned her with a knee to her spine. Holding his sword to her neck, he glared at the surrounding demons before bowing to Mobei-Jun. "My king."
For all he was an ice demon, Shang Qinghua swore he saw his king's eyes flash with genuine heat as he nodded in acknowledgement of Shang Qinghua's victory. Shang Qinghua was starting to feel a bit warm himself when a groan from the pinned demoness reminded him of his circumstances; the heat of arousal quickly turned to that of embarrassment when he remembered exactly what he was wearing and how many demons could see him. Embarrassment was joined by rage when the System chimed in:
[Mission: God Save the King: Complete. Reward: Winter Consort Lingerie Set. Optional Mission: Cherries on Ice now unlocked.]
Shang Qinghua was frozen in place—mostly metaphorically, but also kinda actually cold now that he was down to a set of lacy nothings and with the adrenaline of the fight leaving him. He desperately wanted to leave; instead, he got to his feet and walked to stand by Mobei-Jun, blushing fiercely the entire time.
[Mission requirements are as follows,] the System continued, then opened a list. A very explicit list, including plenty of acts that Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky had never thought to include in Proud Immortal Demon Way.
Shang Qinghua blushed harder. 'Uh, how about no?' If nothing else, he needed to haul ass back to Jinlan City as soon as possible, and maybe find another set of lingerie for Cucumber-bro while he was at it.
[Is Host sure? With great risk comes great reward,] the System sent.
Shang Qinghua rolled his eyes internally. 'Oh yeah? Like what? Another set of lingerie that only I can wear?'
[Full System shut down and removal.]
Shang Qinghua reconsidered. Surely he could find someone to complete the list with, even if he had to pay them to do it! And besides that, Shen Qingqiu was an accomplished peak lord; there was no guarantee he'd run into Luo Binghe in the first place, but if he did, he was smart and fast enough escape no problem. Worst case scenario, Shang Qinghua would still be left alive to finish the mushroom bodies, and he could probably figure out a way to summon Cucumber-bro's wayward soul into one. Best case scenario, with his System out of the picture, Shang Qinghua would be able to explain everything to Luo Binghe and save Cucumber-bro's life that way! (And hopefully also his own, while he was at it.)
[Offer expires in 5... 4...]
Shang Qinghua slammed the Accept button.
[Optional Mission: Cherries on Ice: Activated. Time left to complete: 23:59:59.]
Shang Qinghua waved the System window away and took in the room around him again. As usual, little to no time seemed to have passed while he was interacting with the System, but Mobei-Jun was now standing beside him as palace guards hauled the demoness away. "This king hopes that there are no remaining doubts as to the prowess of his future consort," Mobei-Jun announced, closing a possessive hand on Shang Qinghua's shoulder and glaring around the room. A chorus of negatives flowed from the demons still in attendance, while Airplane's brain went into tailspin. Consort? Did Mobei-Jun just imply that he wanted Shang Qinghua as his consort?
"Now leave," Mobei-Jun dismissed the onlookers, following the order with a blast of qi for emphasis. Shang Qinghua stared up at him as the demonic court quickly cleared the room.
"I. You said future consort. Did. Did you mean me?" he squeaked out.
Mobei-Jun reached out to fondle the pendant hanging from Shang Qinghua's choker, tracing the zuiyin with his thumb. "Did Qinghua not already declare himself to be mine before all of the emperor's subjects?" he rumbled.
Heat began to pool in Shang Qinghua's stomach, and his nipples, already peaked from the cold, went rock hard. (As did something else; he was suddenly hyper-aware of how uncomfortable thongs could be!) He licked his lips. "I... suppose I did," he admitted. His breath caught in his throat. "And... my king accepted?"
Mobei-Jun stared down at him, his own gaze molten. Shang Qinghua found himself finally putting together a lot of puzzle pieces he'd never thought to connect before. "This king hopes that Shang Qinghua does not also doubt his own suitability."
"I, well, no! That is, of course my king should have whatever he wants, and if he thinks that this serva—ah, I mean, this Shang Qinghua," he corrected himself at Mobei-Jun's glare, "is worthy, then who could possibly argue? And, well. This Shang Qinghua, that is, I, would also. Really like. That."
"Hn," Mobei-Jun said, satisfied.
"So, um, my king..." Shang Qinghua said, glancing at the System's list from the corner of his eye as his heart fluttered in his chest. "Do you suppose we could take some time to, well, celebrate? The formal announcement of our courtship? I may have a few suggestions, if that would interest you." He bit his lip and did his best to look coquettishly up through his lashes.
"Mn," Mobei-Jun said again, the corner of his mouth turning up. With no other warning, Mobei-Jun swept Shang Qinghua up over his shoulder, a position that he would complain about were it not for A) The fantastic view he now had of Mobei-Jun's backside, and B) The possessive hands kneading his ass and thighs through the lingerie.
Shang Qinghua didn't think it would take the whole twenty-four hours to get through the entire list of requirements for Cherries on Ice, but he decided that they should go through it twice, just to be sure. Cucumber-bro could wait.
--Fin--
So my original thought was, "What if Shang Qinghua wasn't there to help in Jinlan City for MoShang reasons? As in, Mobei-Jun hauled him away?" And then the only title I could come up with on the same theme as "Sanity in Tatters" and "Sanity in Shreds" involved ribbons, so lingerie got involved. Gwogobo was the one to suggest Badass!SQH, though I think I may have leaned into that at the expense of more humor in some places. Still, I think I'm satisfied with how this turned out. (Watch as I spend the next week making stealth edits regardless 🤦♀️)
Anyway, monster lore!
Crimson Sea Scorpion
Basically a lobster but with a venomous stinger on the end of its tail, this was one of Airplane's lazier creations.Firewing Ducks
A type of lesser phoenix that flocks together and migrates to warmer climates during the winter. Their flight feathers are encased in fire-based qi that ignites as a defense mechanism, leaving the feathers themselves unharmed. The feathers are useful as armor lining, especially in situations where one expects to deal with fire, and the birds' flesh is delicious.Eelweed
Neither plant nor animal nor mushroom, these plantlike strands grow in lengths of up to sixteen inches/forty centimeters in pseudo-fields at the bottom of icy lakes. When harvested and prepared properly, their texture is something like a cross between noodles and mushrooms, with a grassy aftertaste.(Crystal Night Cave Silkworms are a repeat from chapter three of Only One Bed.)
SQH, eighteen hours later: My king, that was wonderful, but I really should at least check on SQQ sometime soon...
MBJ: *grunts, opens a portal into SQQ's room at the inn*
SQH: *peers through*
SQQ: *resting in the arms of LBH, thoroughly sexed-out*
LBH: *glares at SQH and tightens his arms around SQQ*
SQH: Never mind, he's got things covered.
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Date: 2026-01-06 06:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-07 07:26 pm (UTC)I'm loev Dreamwidth awlways~ Also I need to brag: I made some mood themes that are now available to use site-wide on Dreamwidth! Fancy rats and pixel jellyfish 😃 I am very proud of them!
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Date: 2026-01-07 07:28 pm (UTC)