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RSD and Privilege
Oct. 15th, 2016 12:48 amWelcome to another late-night post by yours truly! Tonight's topic is the intersection of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Privilege.
So on the one hand, I have privilege, and I do sometimes make mistakes that harm people, as hard as I try otherwise, and I should absolutely be called out when I do that. I want people to call me out when I screw up, so I can stop making that particular screwup and do better.
On the other hand, as seen in the article above, feeling like I've failed at something, especially something important to me or in a way that harms someone I care a lot about, can do significant emotional damage. And part of me really hates myself for saying it, but phrasing a call out "nicely" really does help me process better, and get back to trying to screw up less in the future.
And the reason I feel horrible about it, is because that's the tone argument. Or, at least, it's a sibling to the tone argument. "Please make the way I hurt you sound not as bad as you might be feeling, so I can comply more quickly with not hurting you more." I mean, that sounds bad, right? Maybe not terrible, but bad. At the same time, while I do want to be called out when I screw up and to do better, I also don't want to spend days after said callout feeling like a worthless human being. It's not a productive feeling, and while I'm pretty sure it might be satisfying in the short run, I'd like to think that no good person actually wants the person they're calling out to go into a depressive episode over it. (And seriously, how fucked up is it that my brain chemistry has done that?)
So this is what I've got so far:
"I have something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. [Include above link] While I absolutely do want you to tell me when I screw up, I would really appreciate it from a mental health standpoint if you did so gently. That said, I understand that your feelings are valid, and my responsibility to do the right thing is not contingent on how "polite" you are when you tell me that I've done something to hurt you. However you call me out, whatever tone you use, I will do my best to own my mistakes and correct myself going forward. Thank you for your time."
I think that does an okay job of stating my case while still circumventing the tone argument (in that I'll absolutely still listen no matter what), but it could probably also still use some work. Plus, I have no idea how to implement it. At least it's a starting point, though. Maybe. *sigh*
So on the one hand, I have privilege, and I do sometimes make mistakes that harm people, as hard as I try otherwise, and I should absolutely be called out when I do that. I want people to call me out when I screw up, so I can stop making that particular screwup and do better.
On the other hand, as seen in the article above, feeling like I've failed at something, especially something important to me or in a way that harms someone I care a lot about, can do significant emotional damage. And part of me really hates myself for saying it, but phrasing a call out "nicely" really does help me process better, and get back to trying to screw up less in the future.
And the reason I feel horrible about it, is because that's the tone argument. Or, at least, it's a sibling to the tone argument. "Please make the way I hurt you sound not as bad as you might be feeling, so I can comply more quickly with not hurting you more." I mean, that sounds bad, right? Maybe not terrible, but bad. At the same time, while I do want to be called out when I screw up and to do better, I also don't want to spend days after said callout feeling like a worthless human being. It's not a productive feeling, and while I'm pretty sure it might be satisfying in the short run, I'd like to think that no good person actually wants the person they're calling out to go into a depressive episode over it. (And seriously, how fucked up is it that my brain chemistry has done that?)
So this is what I've got so far:
"I have something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. [Include above link] While I absolutely do want you to tell me when I screw up, I would really appreciate it from a mental health standpoint if you did so gently. That said, I understand that your feelings are valid, and my responsibility to do the right thing is not contingent on how "polite" you are when you tell me that I've done something to hurt you. However you call me out, whatever tone you use, I will do my best to own my mistakes and correct myself going forward. Thank you for your time."
I think that does an okay job of stating my case while still circumventing the tone argument (in that I'll absolutely still listen no matter what), but it could probably also still use some work. Plus, I have no idea how to implement it. At least it's a starting point, though. Maybe. *sigh*
