Fic: Gay Bar: 1/1

[soc_puppet]

Fandom: Naruto
Summary: A Gay Bar parody fic. In which Naruto drags Sasuke out, because the latter is being an anti-social prick. Loosely based on the song by Electric Six.
Warnings: Characterization may have been sacrificed for humor in some places. For that, I apologize. Also, I know exactly zip about bars and going to bars and the things they serve at bars, and I'll probably continue not knowing that sort of thing long after I'm actually of age to drink around here, so please forgive me if I mess up too badly in that aspect.
Fic: Gay Bar

Gay Bar


1. I wanna take you to a gay bar

Sasuke was already frowning when he answered the increasingly loud knocks on his door, and it only grew worse once he saw who it was.

"Hi, bastard!" Naruto chirped.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "What do you want."

"Oh! Well, since we both have tonight off, I thought we could go out to a bar together." He shrugged. "You know, hang out, get drunk, that kind of thing."

The only reason Sasuke didn't slam the door in Naruto's face right then was because Naruto was already blocking it. "I don't drink," Sasuke informed him. "And even if I did, why would I want to hang out with you? Or 'that kind of thing,'" he added mockingly.

"Hey!" Naruto protested. "I'll have you know that I'm great company! And alcohol is fantastic, thanks."

Sasuke sneered. "Compared to what, a rock? In that case, not only is the rock smarter, it also doesn't constantly embarrass itself. And if the alcohol is anything like the stuff at Kiba's party last month, I don't want anything to do with it."

"I'm better company than you, at least," Naruto shot back. "And it'll be a real bar, so they'll have a professional mixing drinks. Way better than the shit at Kiba's party--he could only get the really cheap stuff, and that always tastes like crap."

"Still not interested," Sasuke said loftily.

Naruto scowled. "Look, bastard, either you come with me and get drunk, or I spend the next however long it takes acting drunk, and belting out bawdy love songs at the top of my lungs until you decide to go."

Sasuke stared at Naruto in something like horror. "You wouldn't."

Naruto flashed him a particularly foxy grin before taking a deep breath and opening his jaws wide.

Sasuke slammed a hand over his teammate's mouth. "Fine! I'll go to the damn bar with you. But just for a couple of hours. After that, we leave."

Naruto grinned as he peeled Sasuke's hand away. "Great! I'll see you at seven."


2. Start a (nuclear) war

Sasuke stared at the name of the bar. He stared at the mass of people inside. He activated the Sharingan and stared between the two once more. Convinced that this wasn't some sort of genjutsu (not that the idiot had any talent for it anyway), he slammed Naruto up against the nearest wall. "What the fuck is this, moron?" he hissed. "You took me to a gay bar?"

Naruto winced. "Well, it's almost more of a club--"

Chakra crackled in the air as Sasuke slammed him against the wall again. "You mean you took me to a gay bar on purpose?!"

Naruto looked away and mumbled something.

Sasuke's grip tightened on Naruto's shirt. "What was that."

The blond glared sullenly at him. "I said it wasn't my idea, bastard. Sakura-chan was making noises about you not being social enough and taking you out somewhere and making you do stuff. I tried to tell her that it was okay, 'cuz you're an anti-social prick, but she didn't listen. I convinced her that it would be easier on everyone if she let me try first, but that's it. If you don't play nice with other people for at least a little while, her and Ino are probably going to drag you out tomorrow and take you shopping or something. I figured this was the safest bet."

That made a little sense, at least. "What about the gay bar part? I don't think Sakura would have endorsed that."

"...Okay, that was my idea," Naruto admitted. "See, we can't go to a ninja bar, 'cuz most ninja bars I know about don't involve a lot of socializing. And we can't go to a regular civilian bar, 'cuz then you'd spend the whole time being hit on by drunk women, and considering how you treat your little fanclub, there's no way that could end well. But if we go to a gay bar, well, you'll still be hit on, but it'll be by guys, and most of them are good at taking 'no' for an answer. 'Specially if they think you're straight and were just dragged there by a friend, which is kinda true anyway. Besides, it's out of town, and you aren't wearing your stupid fan crest thing, so anyone who hits on you is prob'ly gonna be doing it 'cuz they think you're hot, and not 'cuz you're an Uchiha."

Sasuke kindly did not ask if Naruto knew about hitting on guys from experience, and dropped him disgustedly. "Fine," he said. "But only for a few hours."

Naruto whooped joyfully and proceeded to drag Sasuke inside.


3. I'm gonna spend all your money

Sasuke sat at the bar, idly sipping his drink--some blue fruity thing, he wasn't all sure what it was; he'd just ordered something at random. Beside him, Naruto was working on his second beer and chatting up some guy. Sasuke was positive Naruto was chatting him up and not just talking with him, too; he'd been flirted with enough to recognize the appreciative glances and strategic pauses in conversation, though it was interesting to see them from the outside for once. He was somewhat gratified (and also vaguely disturbed) to see that he was right when the other man slipped Naruto his number before walking off.

Tucking the paper into his pocket, Naruto turned back to Sasuke and grinned. "So, bastard, what'cha think so far?"

Sasuke grunted and shrugged a shoulder. He was certainly learning new things about his teammate, if nothing else. "The drinks are okay," he allowed at Naruto's stare.

Naruto relaxed and grinned. "Oh yeah, that reminds me. You got your wallet with you?"

Sasuke knew that grin; he didn't like it. "Yes..."

Naruto's eyes curved upwards. "Can I see it? Just for a minute."

The blue thing must have been alcoholic, Sasuke decided. Otherwise, he never would have been able to justify digging his wallet out to himself, let alone handing it to the blond.

"Thanks, man," Naruto said, taking the proffered object. Then he turned to the barman. "Yo, barkeep! Round of drinks for everyone, on me!" He flashed Sasuke's wallet.

Sasuke nearly spat the blue stuff he'd just sipped out on the table at the resounding cheer. "What the fuck, moron?!"

Naruto held up his hands in a placating gesture. "I just always wanted to try it once, that's all," he said.

Sasuke scowled, but decided it wasn't worth it to argue with the blond. Then he shot his drink a suspicious glance; it was definitely alcoholic.

Just as well, he mused, raising the glass again. He'd feel much better about the situation if he was drunk.


4. I've got something to put in you

Sasuke was nearing the dregs of his fruity blue drink when two shot glasses of something appeared in front of him. He leveled a slightly irate glare at Naruto, who had set them there; the blond had finished his fourth beer and collected his third number while Sasuke was still on his first drink. "What's this?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Drinks, asshole. What do they look like?"

Sasuke regarded the shot glasses with suspicion. "Who paid for them?" Lectures about the numerous ways to poison and otherwise incapacitate a shinobi trudged through his mind, followed by a similar lecture on drugs used by civilians in seedy situations.

"I bought 'em, bastard," Naruto told him, interrupting his train of thought. "Used my own money and everything. Is it impossible for you to forget about being paranoid and just relax once in a while?"

"Only as impossible as it is for you to actually shut up once in a while," Sasuke shot back, but finished off his blue drink and reached for one of the shot glasses anyway. He then made the rather unfortunate mistake of drinking almost half of it at once, and only managed not to choke because Naruto was watching and would never let him live it down if he did. He couldn't keep his eyes from bugging out slightly, though.

Naruto flashed him a grin and drained his own shot in one go. "Good stuff, in'nit?"

Sasuke glared and took a more modest sip. Naruto would pay for this.


5. Superstar (at the gay bar)

Sasuke, Naruto observed, sipping his drink, was not a happy drunk. Nor was he a depressed drunk. Naruto was very pleased with both of these facts, because Sasuke would be far too good at the latter and ruin the whole evening, and the former would just be damn scary. No, Naruto reflected, a drunk Sasuke was still Sasuke--that is, still a stuck-up prick--just perhaps slightly more mellow. Like the stick up his ass had been pulled out an inch or two, or at least moved to a slightly more comfortable position.

Which was probably why he had taken Naruto's dare and was now on the dance floor. Had he been sober, Sasuke definitely would have noticed the way the conversation was going, and would have found a way to redirect it. As he was, though, Sasuke had allowed Naruto to insinuate that he was too stiff to be able to dance properly, laughed, and then stalked out on the floor to prove otherwise.

And Naruto had to admit that Sasuke could indeed dance. He moved with all the fluid grace one would expect of a ninja, shaping the negative space around him hypnotically. A close ring of people had formed around him, giving him ore room to move and admiring him at the same time. Naruto imagined some would be approaching him were it not for the dark glares Sasuke had sent the first few who tried. As it was, the crowd seemed content to watch him and bask in his glory.

Behind him, the bartender whistled appreciatively. "Now isn't that nice to look at." He glanced at Naruto from the corner of his eye. "Make sure he comes back, and I'll give you ten percent off your drinks for the rest of your life."

Naruto raised his eyebrows. Looked like Sasuke wouldn't be forgotten in a hurry.


6. Aftermath

At about nine a.m., Sasuke groaned and peeled his eyes open. His head and limbs ached, his skin felt grimy, and he had the most terrible taste in his mouth. Just what the hell had happened last night?

Ah, that was right. Naruto had taken him to a bar.

Sasuke frowned and sat up a bit. Naruto had taken him to a bar. Sasuke had drank, danced, and was now almost two hours late for his morning workout. And yet he hadn't hated it. More importantly, he didn't regret it.

Sasuke thought about this as he rolled out of bed and stretched. He thought about it while he was in the bathroom, and while he was pulling his clothes on. He was still thinking about it when he threw some leftovers in the microwave and was interrupted by a knock at the door.

He was not entirely surprised to see Naruto standing there and grinning stupidly at him. "Hey, bastard," he greeted. "Just wanted to make sure you didn't die in your sleep. You look better than I thought you would after yesterday."

Staring at the blond, Sasuke found he had at last come to a decision. "Naruto," he said calmly, "I don't know what I was thinking last night when I let you drag me out there, but if you ever tell anyone what I did or where I was? Not only will I beat you so badly that it will take even your stupid ass a week to heal, but I will never allow you to drag me there again. Is that clear?"

Naruto stared at him in shock for a long moment, then grinned so hard that it probably hurt. "Sure thing, bastard!"

"Good," Sasuke replied, and then took great pleasure in slamming the door in his rival's face. Life, he thought, was good.

--Fin--

I had entirely too much fun writing this. Until about ten in the morning today, at which point the panic set in and I began worrying that it wasn't actually funny or good or anything like that. But I typed it up anyway and made up my mind to post it, 'cuz I said I would.

Things I wanted to include (but didn't have time to figure out a way):
* The name of the bar. I spent at least an hour trying to come up with something, and finally settled on something that might work, only to discover that I didn't actually need to use it after all. If I ever write another gay bar parody fic (which I might, as I still have an idea for one, though if I do it won't be for a long while), I might try and include it then.
* Reasoning for Sasuke remembering everything. Because everyone and his mom writes fic in which the characters go out, get drunk, and forget everything. I wanted to actually work it into the fic, but ended up writing out the story nook that I would've stuck it into. It really boils down to two things: one, it takes a hell of a lot of alcohol to shut down your hypocampus in the first place, and Sasuke didn't drink near that much; and two, Sasuke's bloodline limit is based on the ability to instantly commit things to memory, and long-term memory at that, if I'm any judge. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a naturally good memory, even without it and in the worst situations.
* The affect of alcohol on Naruto. A good number of fics have him either impervious to alcohol, or able to get drunk regularly. For this fic, I intended to go out on a limb between the two and say he can get drunk, it would just take a lot more than it would a normal person. And his hangovers wouldn't be as bad as one would expect in the morning. But it doesn't really have much of an impact on the fic anyway, so I felt fine not including it.

And I think that's everything. Feedback is very much appreciated, including ways I can improve this or just reassurance that I do not, in fact, suck.