Anxiety

The saying "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" is meant to make large tasks seem more approachable, by breaking them into a series of smaller tasks. And for the most part, this makes a lot of sense.

But it doesn't always work for me. What happens when that first step is at least as terrifying as the rest of the journey? What's to be done when you have a fear, a phobia, of putting one foot in front of the other?

I know I need to do this job-related follow-up thing. They said, "Come back in on Monday," and it's Monday, and I haven't been back in yet, and I'm not otherwise employed, so I need to. It's not at all that I don't want the job; it's that, after going over there, what if I don't have a chance after all? What if I do have a chance, but I've done everything wrong, and part of being told I have a chance is review of how I did them wrong? Sure it's a learning opportunity, but I'm not thinking rationally about that right now. Hell, it's hard for me to think rationally about this sort of thing.

I don't know what's going to happen, and that makes it hard to invest myself in it. And my traditional work-around - have someone to go with me - isn't currently an option.

It's getting later; every minute takes me closer to seven o'clock, and I don't even know what time they close. The later it gets, the less chance they'll be open, and the easier it'll be for me to convince myself not to do what I need to, what I said I would. And I still can't convince myself to step out of the door.

How do I begin think about a thousand miles if I can't even take a single step?