Headdesk Moment
Nov. 27th, 2010 09:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soc_puppetSo my roommate J is back from seeing her family/hometown friends over American Thanksgiving. And she wanted to tell me some funny stories about it! (I, on the other hand, never left the area, and just didn't tell any stories on the internet, like a champion. Let's go play the Not Update Game! Anyhow, back on topic.)
The first story she told was about how her best friend imitated a dog while her cats were in the same room, and they didn't want much of anything to do with said friend after. One of the cats even growled. Which is amusing enough, I suppose.
[TW for transphobia/homophobia] And then the second story she told was how she saw a former co-worker performing in drag at a gay bar. And it was awkward for her, because it was a guy she had worked with wearing a dress.
Let me get into a bit more detail. She went out of her way to specify multiple times that she was uncomfortable because it was a man she knew out of drag and who was wearing a dress, and even suggested that it was because he was presenting more femininely than she believes she ever could.
She was not uncomfortable because she saw someone she had once worked with in an entirely different (but still completely normal and acceptable) setting than she was used to interacting with him in, or because she had learned something new that she hadn't expected about said former coworker, and she now had to reconcile this new information with her out-of-date impression of him. No, she was uncomfortable because he was a man wearing a dress and she knew him outside of dress-wearing situations.
I couldn't even think of anything to say to that aside from non-committal "I'm listening to this" sounds. I mean - what? Is it just me, or is there a smidge of implied homophobia/transphobia there? She was perfectly comfortable with him until she saw him wearing a dress and being okay with it?
I just. Is this like those times when she feels the need to tell me that she just found out one of her bosses is a Lesbian - oh, and she used to sing in the Quire, but way long ago, so I probably don't know her? (That's. Nice, I guess? I'm glad she's comfortable with who she is and had a good time in the Quire?) Or is it like the time when she thought I would be interested to know that her best friend was getting an abortion because I'm a feminist? (At that time, I pretty much said, "I'm glad she lives in a place where she has access to a legal healthcare procedure" or somesuch, and eventually it dissolved into a conversation about abortion rights and choice and the revelation that my roommate is at least somewhat anti-choice. I don't remember all the details, but wow, that really set my head spinning right before work. I mean, cis-women get abortions sometimes! I imagine that trans-men get abortions as well, not to mention other female-bodied people who don't necessarily fall into socially accepted gender-presentation categories. I should be interested in this specific instance... why?)
Sometimes I feel like I need to sit her down for some 101, but I don't know if I have the time or energy to devote to how long that would take. On the one hand, it took me a month (and, in the end, over an hour of sitting right next to her and guiding her hands and explaining over and over with different words) how to crochet a chain stitch. On the other hand, once she got that, she picked up basically every other crochet stitch/technique she could find a YouTube video for without much effort (with the exception of the magic ring, so far). On the other other hand, that's even when she was interested in learning to crochet, and I can't say the same of her and, say, abortion rights.
In the end, I suppose that I'm just not interested in a lot of things she wants to talk about that she thinks I would be interested in, and I just feel like saying something more when she's being offensive.
...While I'm at it, Privilege Is: Being able to let her walk away from a conversation like that. Which I guess I will be confronting tomorrow, but privilege still allows me to do so at a later time, rather than lay awake for hours upon hours, worrying what she would say about me if she unexpectedly saw me dressing in drag about town or something. Now I guess I just need to figure out what exactly to say/how to approach this =_=
The first story she told was about how her best friend imitated a dog while her cats were in the same room, and they didn't want much of anything to do with said friend after. One of the cats even growled. Which is amusing enough, I suppose.
[TW for transphobia/homophobia] And then the second story she told was how she saw a former co-worker performing in drag at a gay bar. And it was awkward for her, because it was a guy she had worked with wearing a dress.
Let me get into a bit more detail. She went out of her way to specify multiple times that she was uncomfortable because it was a man she knew out of drag and who was wearing a dress, and even suggested that it was because he was presenting more femininely than she believes she ever could.
She was not uncomfortable because she saw someone she had once worked with in an entirely different (but still completely normal and acceptable) setting than she was used to interacting with him in, or because she had learned something new that she hadn't expected about said former coworker, and she now had to reconcile this new information with her out-of-date impression of him. No, she was uncomfortable because he was a man wearing a dress and she knew him outside of dress-wearing situations.
I couldn't even think of anything to say to that aside from non-committal "I'm listening to this" sounds. I mean - what? Is it just me, or is there a smidge of implied homophobia/transphobia there? She was perfectly comfortable with him until she saw him wearing a dress and being okay with it?
I just. Is this like those times when she feels the need to tell me that she just found out one of her bosses is a Lesbian - oh, and she used to sing in the Quire, but way long ago, so I probably don't know her? (That's. Nice, I guess? I'm glad she's comfortable with who she is and had a good time in the Quire?) Or is it like the time when she thought I would be interested to know that her best friend was getting an abortion because I'm a feminist? (At that time, I pretty much said, "I'm glad she lives in a place where she has access to a legal healthcare procedure" or somesuch, and eventually it dissolved into a conversation about abortion rights and choice and the revelation that my roommate is at least somewhat anti-choice. I don't remember all the details, but wow, that really set my head spinning right before work. I mean, cis-women get abortions sometimes! I imagine that trans-men get abortions as well, not to mention other female-bodied people who don't necessarily fall into socially accepted gender-presentation categories. I should be interested in this specific instance... why?)
Sometimes I feel like I need to sit her down for some 101, but I don't know if I have the time or energy to devote to how long that would take. On the one hand, it took me a month (and, in the end, over an hour of sitting right next to her and guiding her hands and explaining over and over with different words) how to crochet a chain stitch. On the other hand, once she got that, she picked up basically every other crochet stitch/technique she could find a YouTube video for without much effort (with the exception of the magic ring, so far). On the other other hand, that's even when she was interested in learning to crochet, and I can't say the same of her and, say, abortion rights.
In the end, I suppose that I'm just not interested in a lot of things she wants to talk about that she thinks I would be interested in, and I just feel like saying something more when she's being offensive.
...While I'm at it, Privilege Is: Being able to let her walk away from a conversation like that. Which I guess I will be confronting tomorrow, but privilege still allows me to do so at a later time, rather than lay awake for hours upon hours, worrying what she would say about me if she unexpectedly saw me dressing in drag about town or something. Now I guess I just need to figure out what exactly to say/how to approach this =_=
