Fic: A Detective's Dozen 1-12/12
Nov. 14th, 2004 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soc_puppetAnd this is me answering my own challenge ^_^. Twelve short fics for the price of one!
Collective Title: A Detective's Dozen
Humorscopes for: 11-12-04
Fandom: Detective Conan
Summary: An attempt to prove that fic can come from anything. And, hopefully, humor.
Aries
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however—and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
“Shin’ichi!”
“Gah!” Not expecting Ran to sneak up on him, Shin’ichi fumbled the capsule, barely managing to keep it in his hand. Some of the water from his glass splashed onto his sleeve. Shin’ichi smiled at her, briefly, despite this. “Hey, Ran. Can you give me a sec? I just need to—“
“Shin’ichi-niichan!” Ayumi cried out, heralding the appearance of the Detective Boys. Mitsuhiko and Genta raced just behind her, while Ai followed at a more sedate pace, smirking slightly.
“Hey, guys!” Shin’ichi said, brightly. “Ready to go to Tropic Land?”
“Yeah!” the kids chorused.
“Okay, just let me—“
“Yo, Kudo!”
Shin’ichi’s eyebrow twitched as Heiji came into view, Kazuha glued to his side. “Hattori, good to see you.”
“Ready to go yet?”
“Well, I would be,” Shin’ichi said, forcibly, “if people would just let me take my medication!” Silence followed his outburst, and Shin’ichi sighed in relief. “Thank you.” Popping the capsule into his mouth, he washed it down with a swig of water and a grin. “So, everyone ready to go now?”
“Yeah!”
Taking the temporary cure every twelve hours might not be the ideal solution, Shin’ichi mused, but it got things done.
A lot of times, when I do chores, I let my mind wander to other things. One of the things I let my mind wander to one day was "Why doesn't Shin'ichi just pop the pill every twelve hours and cure himself that way?". I came up with about four satisfying, non-fourth wall-related answers, one of which was "Someone didn't think of it".
Taurus
You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then “coughing” them out.
This was, Sato Miwako thought, the dullest meeting she had been in all year. No question.
It didn’t help matters that Takagi was on sick leave, either.
As the speaker droned on about the importance of cleanliness, Sato glanced at Yumi on her right. Yumi seemed to find something extremely funny, and was trying to hide giggles behind her closed fists. Sato opened her mouth to ask to be let in on the joke when Yumi revealed that she wasn’t, in fact, laughing by coughing loudly and violently.
Everyone in the meeting, including the speaker, watched in stunned silence as Yumi’s coughs reached a climax. With a final ‘hack’, a cloud of downy feathers burst free from Yumi’s hands. The assembled officers stared openly.
Yumi blushed lightly. “Sorry,” she explained, “I had chicken for lunch.”
Much to Sato’s relief, the meeting ended then and there with the speaker fleeing in terror.
Partial blame goes to Icka for the whole bird/feathers correspondence -_-. Also, I don't work with the police often enough. Otherwise, this would have been Kaito and/or Hakuba torture.
Gemini
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
“I wonder why bad guys always frown,” Ayumi said, idly.
Mitsuhiko looked up from where he was scribbling on a paper. “Huh?”
“In movies and on TV and stuff, bad guys are always frowning,” Ayumi told him. “Even in real life. I wanted to know why.”
Ai looked up from the complex molecule she was documenting (also in crayon). “Perhaps their faces are simply stuck that way,” she suggested, mildly.
“What do you mean?” Now Genta was curious.
“Haven’t you heard?” The Detective Boys leaned in to hear Ai’s words of wisdom. “If you make a funny face for too long, it will freeze like that.”
Ayumi shuddered. “How awful!” Genta and Mitsuhiko nodded in agreement.
Conan glanced sidelong at Ai. “Stop corrupting the minors,” he hissed, crossly.
Cancer
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Shin’ichi was pleasantly surprised when he opened the door late that morning. “Shiho! My God, how long has it been since I last saw you? Two years? Three?”
Shiho smiled back at him. “Hello, Kudo. It’s good to see you again, too.”
“Well, what are you doing on the doorstep? Come in, come in, I’ll get you something to drink.”
“Actually, Kudo,” Shiho interrupted, “I came to talk to you about something. Would you mind if we went somewhere else?”
Shin’ichi blinked. “Sure. Just let me get my jacket. Paper says Sonoko-kun’s place just opened up, we could go there.”
“Where’s Mouri-kun?”
“Hm? Oh, she’s at a doctor’s appointment. Just a check up to make sure everything’s going okay, you know.”
Shiho smiled again. “Of course. I’m glad you’re happy with her.”
Shin’ichi blinked again, not sure what to make of this. “…Yeah, sure. C’mon, I left a note for Ran; an hour or two should be enough time, shouldn’t it?”
Sonoko greeted them at the doorway with a grin. “Shin’ichi! Miyano-san! Good to see you! Here, let me get you a table. And how’s the lovely wife?” Sonoko prodded Shin’ichi, teasingly.
Shin’ichi blushed. “She’s fine, Sonoko. Table? Please?”
“Yeah, yeah, spoil my fun.” Sonoko grumbled. “Oi, Makoto! Two specials!”
“But we didn’t order yet,” Shin’ichi protested.
“Don’t argue with free food,” Sonoko ordered. “Here’s your table, the food should be ready in a minute.”
There was silence for a few minutes after they were served as they ate, until Shin’ichi asked, “So, Shiho, what did you want to talk about?”
Calmly, Shiho set aside her utensils. "Actually," she said, “I came to talk to you about AmWay.”
“Shiho,” Shin’ichi cut her off, accusingly. Shiho had the grace to blush. “I’m disappointed in you. I can’t believe you stooped that low! And here I thought you were through with evil organizations.”
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended, nor do I really mean to slander the name of AmWay, yadda yadda yadda. (Frankly? Between the two of us? I don't have much idea what it is. It was in the 'scope, so...)
Leo
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Heiji found Conan peering around a corner. “Hey, Ku-ow!” Conan kicked him sharply in the shin, effectively cutting him off.
“Shhh!” he hissed. “Not out here!” Glancing around, the not-child shoved Heiji into a cleaning closet, and followed him in. He closed the door behind them.
“Kudo,” Heiji half-growled, taking care to keep it quiet, “May I ask why you just locked us in a closet together?”
Conan glared at him. “Don’t you start,” His manner changed, and he ran a nervous hand through his hair. “I think Ran may have found evidence of my identity,” he admitted.
Heiji whistled, low. “You’re right, man, that is—“ He broke off abruptly as footsteps sounded in the hallway.
“Dad, have you seen Conan-kun anywhere?” Ran’s voice drifted through the wood.
“No. You need him for something?”
“Sort-of. Could you tell me if you see him?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
Heiji and Conan waited until the footsteps faded away then simultaneously sighed in relief. Then the door swung open and Ran loomed over them, menacingly.
“Heiji,” she purred, dangerously, “What are you doing locked in a closet with my potential boyfriend?”
Fearing for his life, Heiji said the first thing that came to his mind. “Don’t look at me; it was his idea.”
Virgo
Today you will notice yet another large freshly dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing—he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
“…So I’m beginning to think that they have gophers,” Ran said, winding down from her long speech about the new dirt mounds she’d seen pop up from time to time in the Kudo’s yard.
Conan blushed and focused on his food. Embarrassing though it was for him to occasionally get low marks on a grade school assignment, it probably wasn’t the best idea to bury the papers.
Burning them, on the other hand…
Libra
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Kneeling in front of the statue of the Blessed Virgin, Sonoko prayed reverently, “Holy Mother, I ask you, give me a sign. Does he love me?” She cracked her eye open to watch, then jumped to her feet, waving her arms triumphantly. “Yes!”
“Sonoko,” Ran deadpanned, “She sneezed. I wouldn’t get too excited over that if I were you.”
“Ran, I’m telling you it’s a sign.”
“A sign that she has a cold, maybe!”
Sonoko sniffed, haughtily. “You’re just jealous because Maria-sama didn’t tell you anything.”
...I was so tempted to slip a reference to Marimite in there, but in the end, I couldn't think of any >_<. Maybe another time.
Scorpio
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to drink a glass of fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Conan marched firmly up to the desk, determined at last to know the answer. “Excuse me,” he asked the reference librarian, politely, “But could you tell me what the flight velocity is of an un-laden swallow?”
The librarian blinked, owlishly. “African swallow or European swallow?”
Sagittarious
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Ai stared at the compound on the computer screen in disbelief. All this time and here it was, at her fingertips. Who could have guessed that the cure would be something so simple?
Or, she admitted, silently, so disgusting?
“Kudo,” she said, feeling worn, “I’ve found it.”
A shocked noise came from the other room, followed by the sound of child-sized sneakers beating against the floor. “The cure? What is it?”
“Tofu,” Ai answered then had to swallow down bile. “…And peanut butter.”
Capricorn
That idea you’ve had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay—and there’s nothing worse than a stinky mind.
Heiji glanced at the coins in his hand. He glanced at Conan, who was deep in though.
Well, there were worse ways to spend his money.
“Yo, Kudo.”
“Hm?”
Heiji flipped him a coin, which he caught, automatically. “Yen fer yer thoughts.”
Conan shrugged a shoulder. “Just thinking about what should be done with those Black Organization bastards when we catch them. I mean, it would be great to have them behind bars and all, but they’ve done so much damage already. Maybe they should repair some.”
Heiji thought about it. “Well, you could put them to work in the sanitation department. That’s community service and punishment.”
Conan raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”
Heiji grinned. “Haven’t you heard? Waste is a terrible thing to mind.”
Okay, I have no excuses for that last line. None what-so-ever.
Aquarius
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Ran awoke on Sunday morning to the smell of burning food. Fearing the worst, she leapt out of bed and raced to the kitchen, grabbing a fire extinguisher on the way. There she found her father standing over the stove where he’d apparently tried to cook something. Ran put out the fire and eyed Kogoro sternly. With the air of one putting her foot down, she told him, “We are never going for teppan-yaki again.”
Pisces
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat.” Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
“Officer Takagi,”
Takagi looked up from his work to see Shiratori looming over him. Not just Shiratori, either; it looked like all the cops from Beika district had turned out. Well, all the male cops anyway, he amended. Takagi began to feel vaguely panicked. “Yes?”
“We came to have a little… chat… with you.” Shiratori told him.
“Ah, okay…” Somewhat hurriedly, Takagi shuffled through the papers on his desk. “Would you mind if I filed these forms first?”
Shiratori’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t see the harm…”
“Great, thanks.” Seeing his opportunity, Takagi grabbed the papers and fled.
Hours later, Sato was very surprised to find him holed up in the women’s restroom.
“Wataru,” she asked, mildly, “Is there something you think you ought to tell me before we’re married?”
Takagi shook his head, violently. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. I’m just hiding.”
Sato blinked. “Hiding?”
He nodded. “Yeah. This is the only place I’m safe. Everyone in the district turned out to give me the ‘older brother’ speech.”
—End—
Okay, someone else's turn, now.
Collective Title: A Detective's Dozen
Humorscopes for: 11-12-04
Fandom: Detective Conan
Summary: An attempt to prove that fic can come from anything. And, hopefully, humor.
Aries
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however—and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
“Shin’ichi!”
“Gah!” Not expecting Ran to sneak up on him, Shin’ichi fumbled the capsule, barely managing to keep it in his hand. Some of the water from his glass splashed onto his sleeve. Shin’ichi smiled at her, briefly, despite this. “Hey, Ran. Can you give me a sec? I just need to—“
“Shin’ichi-niichan!” Ayumi cried out, heralding the appearance of the Detective Boys. Mitsuhiko and Genta raced just behind her, while Ai followed at a more sedate pace, smirking slightly.
“Hey, guys!” Shin’ichi said, brightly. “Ready to go to Tropic Land?”
“Yeah!” the kids chorused.
“Okay, just let me—“
“Yo, Kudo!”
Shin’ichi’s eyebrow twitched as Heiji came into view, Kazuha glued to his side. “Hattori, good to see you.”
“Ready to go yet?”
“Well, I would be,” Shin’ichi said, forcibly, “if people would just let me take my medication!” Silence followed his outburst, and Shin’ichi sighed in relief. “Thank you.” Popping the capsule into his mouth, he washed it down with a swig of water and a grin. “So, everyone ready to go now?”
“Yeah!”
Taking the temporary cure every twelve hours might not be the ideal solution, Shin’ichi mused, but it got things done.
A lot of times, when I do chores, I let my mind wander to other things. One of the things I let my mind wander to one day was "Why doesn't Shin'ichi just pop the pill every twelve hours and cure himself that way?". I came up with about four satisfying, non-fourth wall-related answers, one of which was "Someone didn't think of it".
Taurus
You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then “coughing” them out.
This was, Sato Miwako thought, the dullest meeting she had been in all year. No question.
It didn’t help matters that Takagi was on sick leave, either.
As the speaker droned on about the importance of cleanliness, Sato glanced at Yumi on her right. Yumi seemed to find something extremely funny, and was trying to hide giggles behind her closed fists. Sato opened her mouth to ask to be let in on the joke when Yumi revealed that she wasn’t, in fact, laughing by coughing loudly and violently.
Everyone in the meeting, including the speaker, watched in stunned silence as Yumi’s coughs reached a climax. With a final ‘hack’, a cloud of downy feathers burst free from Yumi’s hands. The assembled officers stared openly.
Yumi blushed lightly. “Sorry,” she explained, “I had chicken for lunch.”
Much to Sato’s relief, the meeting ended then and there with the speaker fleeing in terror.
Partial blame goes to Icka for the whole bird/feathers correspondence -_-. Also, I don't work with the police often enough. Otherwise, this would have been Kaito and/or Hakuba torture.
Gemini
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
“I wonder why bad guys always frown,” Ayumi said, idly.
Mitsuhiko looked up from where he was scribbling on a paper. “Huh?”
“In movies and on TV and stuff, bad guys are always frowning,” Ayumi told him. “Even in real life. I wanted to know why.”
Ai looked up from the complex molecule she was documenting (also in crayon). “Perhaps their faces are simply stuck that way,” she suggested, mildly.
“What do you mean?” Now Genta was curious.
“Haven’t you heard?” The Detective Boys leaned in to hear Ai’s words of wisdom. “If you make a funny face for too long, it will freeze like that.”
Ayumi shuddered. “How awful!” Genta and Mitsuhiko nodded in agreement.
Conan glanced sidelong at Ai. “Stop corrupting the minors,” he hissed, crossly.
Cancer
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Shin’ichi was pleasantly surprised when he opened the door late that morning. “Shiho! My God, how long has it been since I last saw you? Two years? Three?”
Shiho smiled back at him. “Hello, Kudo. It’s good to see you again, too.”
“Well, what are you doing on the doorstep? Come in, come in, I’ll get you something to drink.”
“Actually, Kudo,” Shiho interrupted, “I came to talk to you about something. Would you mind if we went somewhere else?”
Shin’ichi blinked. “Sure. Just let me get my jacket. Paper says Sonoko-kun’s place just opened up, we could go there.”
“Where’s Mouri-kun?”
“Hm? Oh, she’s at a doctor’s appointment. Just a check up to make sure everything’s going okay, you know.”
Shiho smiled again. “Of course. I’m glad you’re happy with her.”
Shin’ichi blinked again, not sure what to make of this. “…Yeah, sure. C’mon, I left a note for Ran; an hour or two should be enough time, shouldn’t it?”
Sonoko greeted them at the doorway with a grin. “Shin’ichi! Miyano-san! Good to see you! Here, let me get you a table. And how’s the lovely wife?” Sonoko prodded Shin’ichi, teasingly.
Shin’ichi blushed. “She’s fine, Sonoko. Table? Please?”
“Yeah, yeah, spoil my fun.” Sonoko grumbled. “Oi, Makoto! Two specials!”
“But we didn’t order yet,” Shin’ichi protested.
“Don’t argue with free food,” Sonoko ordered. “Here’s your table, the food should be ready in a minute.”
There was silence for a few minutes after they were served as they ate, until Shin’ichi asked, “So, Shiho, what did you want to talk about?”
Calmly, Shiho set aside her utensils. "Actually," she said, “I came to talk to you about AmWay.”
“Shiho,” Shin’ichi cut her off, accusingly. Shiho had the grace to blush. “I’m disappointed in you. I can’t believe you stooped that low! And here I thought you were through with evil organizations.”
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended, nor do I really mean to slander the name of AmWay, yadda yadda yadda. (Frankly? Between the two of us? I don't have much idea what it is. It was in the 'scope, so...)
Leo
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Heiji found Conan peering around a corner. “Hey, Ku-ow!” Conan kicked him sharply in the shin, effectively cutting him off.
“Shhh!” he hissed. “Not out here!” Glancing around, the not-child shoved Heiji into a cleaning closet, and followed him in. He closed the door behind them.
“Kudo,” Heiji half-growled, taking care to keep it quiet, “May I ask why you just locked us in a closet together?”
Conan glared at him. “Don’t you start,” His manner changed, and he ran a nervous hand through his hair. “I think Ran may have found evidence of my identity,” he admitted.
Heiji whistled, low. “You’re right, man, that is—“ He broke off abruptly as footsteps sounded in the hallway.
“Dad, have you seen Conan-kun anywhere?” Ran’s voice drifted through the wood.
“No. You need him for something?”
“Sort-of. Could you tell me if you see him?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
Heiji and Conan waited until the footsteps faded away then simultaneously sighed in relief. Then the door swung open and Ran loomed over them, menacingly.
“Heiji,” she purred, dangerously, “What are you doing locked in a closet with my potential boyfriend?”
Fearing for his life, Heiji said the first thing that came to his mind. “Don’t look at me; it was his idea.”
Virgo
Today you will notice yet another large freshly dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing—he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
“…So I’m beginning to think that they have gophers,” Ran said, winding down from her long speech about the new dirt mounds she’d seen pop up from time to time in the Kudo’s yard.
Conan blushed and focused on his food. Embarrassing though it was for him to occasionally get low marks on a grade school assignment, it probably wasn’t the best idea to bury the papers.
Burning them, on the other hand…
Libra
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Kneeling in front of the statue of the Blessed Virgin, Sonoko prayed reverently, “Holy Mother, I ask you, give me a sign. Does he love me?” She cracked her eye open to watch, then jumped to her feet, waving her arms triumphantly. “Yes!”
“Sonoko,” Ran deadpanned, “She sneezed. I wouldn’t get too excited over that if I were you.”
“Ran, I’m telling you it’s a sign.”
“A sign that she has a cold, maybe!”
Sonoko sniffed, haughtily. “You’re just jealous because Maria-sama didn’t tell you anything.”
...I was so tempted to slip a reference to Marimite in there, but in the end, I couldn't think of any >_<. Maybe another time.
Scorpio
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to drink a glass of fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Conan marched firmly up to the desk, determined at last to know the answer. “Excuse me,” he asked the reference librarian, politely, “But could you tell me what the flight velocity is of an un-laden swallow?”
The librarian blinked, owlishly. “African swallow or European swallow?”
Sagittarious
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Ai stared at the compound on the computer screen in disbelief. All this time and here it was, at her fingertips. Who could have guessed that the cure would be something so simple?
Or, she admitted, silently, so disgusting?
“Kudo,” she said, feeling worn, “I’ve found it.”
A shocked noise came from the other room, followed by the sound of child-sized sneakers beating against the floor. “The cure? What is it?”
“Tofu,” Ai answered then had to swallow down bile. “…And peanut butter.”
Capricorn
That idea you’ve had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay—and there’s nothing worse than a stinky mind.
Heiji glanced at the coins in his hand. He glanced at Conan, who was deep in though.
Well, there were worse ways to spend his money.
“Yo, Kudo.”
“Hm?”
Heiji flipped him a coin, which he caught, automatically. “Yen fer yer thoughts.”
Conan shrugged a shoulder. “Just thinking about what should be done with those Black Organization bastards when we catch them. I mean, it would be great to have them behind bars and all, but they’ve done so much damage already. Maybe they should repair some.”
Heiji thought about it. “Well, you could put them to work in the sanitation department. That’s community service and punishment.”
Conan raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”
Heiji grinned. “Haven’t you heard? Waste is a terrible thing to mind.”
Okay, I have no excuses for that last line. None what-so-ever.
Aquarius
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Ran awoke on Sunday morning to the smell of burning food. Fearing the worst, she leapt out of bed and raced to the kitchen, grabbing a fire extinguisher on the way. There she found her father standing over the stove where he’d apparently tried to cook something. Ran put out the fire and eyed Kogoro sternly. With the air of one putting her foot down, she told him, “We are never going for teppan-yaki again.”
Pisces
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat.” Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
“Officer Takagi,”
Takagi looked up from his work to see Shiratori looming over him. Not just Shiratori, either; it looked like all the cops from Beika district had turned out. Well, all the male cops anyway, he amended. Takagi began to feel vaguely panicked. “Yes?”
“We came to have a little… chat… with you.” Shiratori told him.
“Ah, okay…” Somewhat hurriedly, Takagi shuffled through the papers on his desk. “Would you mind if I filed these forms first?”
Shiratori’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t see the harm…”
“Great, thanks.” Seeing his opportunity, Takagi grabbed the papers and fled.
Hours later, Sato was very surprised to find him holed up in the women’s restroom.
“Wataru,” she asked, mildly, “Is there something you think you ought to tell me before we’re married?”
Takagi shook his head, violently. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. I’m just hiding.”
Sato blinked. “Hiding?”
He nodded. “Yeah. This is the only place I’m safe. Everyone in the district turned out to give me the ‘older brother’ speech.”
—End—
Okay, someone else's turn, now.
