CFUD App Plans post

[soc_puppet]

...I said I wasn't going to do it this round. I was wrong.

Moving it here, because the last post was getting kinda full and stuff.

I'm pretty sure there aren't any CFUD players out there, but if there are, who I'm apping is under here, so beware of bias? Still half-tempted to lock this thing.


Ahahahah. Aha. Hah. Apping Hakuba, stfu.

Character: Hakuba Saguru
Series: Magic Kaito/Detective Conan (AKA, Case Closed)
Age: 17

Canon info goes here. Will write later.

App plan thus far:

Hakuba sees "person in a gorilla suit".

Hakuba accosts gorilla-suited person, announces time & date (for the record), explains why he's there (help local police capture Kid, and what's this about a murder mystery?), begins asking questions.

Asks more questions. Stuff about camp layout, possible suspects for various things, do they have crocodile permits, etc.

Gorilla gets tired of this. "Unhand me, you brute! I wasn't done asking questions yet!"

----

...Yeah, I need more content, methinks. And to decide whether I want to focuse more on the hunt for Kid, or on the murder mystery. Or maybe he can ask questions about the Kid and the camp, and then find out about the murder mystery, and ask lots of questions about that when the gorilla gets tired of it and interrupts. Iunno.

Things I need to do:
* Make sure grammar is okay, check for typos, etc. when finished.
* Make sure voice is okay/strong (relatively unknown series, harder for the voters to tell, but I need to play him well for my own concience and anyone who does recognize him)
* Make sure I have enough funny, for the love of Pete!

Edit:
Started the sample entry about four times now, and can't decide which to work off of yet =_= Leaning towards the most recent. Posting the lot of them here, so you can get a look at them, and maybe I can leech ideas off of you get an idea of which one(s) sound the best.

Beginning 01:
Excuse me! You there, in the gorilla suit! I need to have a word with you!

Time: Saturday July 29, year 2006; 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds. Location: Camp Fuck You Die. Odd sense of humour these Americans have. I would like to ask you a few questions.

A few days ago, I was contacted by the local law enforcement agency; they informed me that the Kaitou Kid was planning a heist here, and wanted an expert on hand to deal with him. Unfortunately, I didn't realize they meant alone.


Beginning 02:
Camp Fuck You Die, is it? Odd sense of humour Americans have. Very interesting place. A lot of blood spilled around here too, judging by Watson's reaction. All in all, quite a strange choice of the Kid to hold a heist here. He usually dislikes blood.

...But I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Hakuba Saguru, and I'm here as an expert on phantom theif 1412, also known as Kaitou Kid. I hear that the director recieved a heist notice from him a short while ago, correct? Then I shall begin.


Beginning 03:
What the bloody hell is Kaitou Kid doing, holding a heist at a murder site? All this old blood here is making Watson go batty. And those people wandering around dressed as corpses... Very bad taste, I must say. Still, one can't always choose where one works. I suppose I'd best get started then, hadn't I?

Time: 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds. Current location: Camp Fuck You Die, Louisiana. Odd sense of humour you Americans have. My name is Hakuba Saguru, and I'm here at the request of the local authorities as an expert on the phantom theif 1412, also known as Kaitou Kid. I was told that the director recieved a heist notice not long ago, and I'd like to ask a few questions.

You there, in the gorilla suit! Tell me, how big is this place? Are there any large buildings with good updrafts?


Beginning 04:
I've had it up to here with this blasted place. This is, without question, the least organized summer camp I have ever seen. No clear trails, farm animals running everywhere, people dressed as corpses shuffling about--what the bloody hell does Kid expect to steal here, anyway? I expect anything he'd be interested in is either already in the black market or sunk in the swamp. And the name--Camp Fuck You Die? Really, I thought Americans were too prudish to show a man applying a rubber to a banana as a public service commercial, and here they're naming summer camps after lewd acts. I must be getting all my information from the wrong sources.

------

They go from earliest to most recent. They've all got their pros and cons, and I may end up having to smush them all together for a fifth start.

From my estimation, a good entry length is somewhere between 250 and 350 words (give or take fifty words). Can section should be about half that. It needs plenty of camp interaction, some hints towards canon without being completely reliant on it, and a good, strong voice. ...I'm not sure how any of these are with the voice, really. Help?

Edit 2:
From version 3 above:
----------------------

What the bloody hell is Kaitou Kid doing, holding a heist at a murder site? All this old blood here is making Watson go batty. And those people wandering around dressed as corpses... Very bad taste, I must say. Still, one can't always choose where one works. I suppose I'd best get started then, hadn't I?

Time: 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds. Current location: Camp Fuck You Die, Louisiana. Odd sense of humour you Americans have. My name is Hakuba Saguru, and I'm here at the request of the local authorities as an expert on the phantom theif 1412, also known as Kaitou Kid. I was told that the director recieved a heist notice not long ago, and I'd like to ask a few questions.

First of all, I need to know everything you can tell me about the target. It's likely to be a gem of some sort, and large at that. Possibly it will be associated with some sort of odd legend, or is said to have some mysterious property. Secondly, I need to know everything about where it is and how it's being protected. And don't try to hide it or replace it with a fake, he's bound to pick up on it somehow. Our only chance is to catch him in the act. Third, what sort of authority figures do you have around here, and do they wear any sort of uniform? Keep in mind that they may be impersonated at any moment. Watch for any out of character behavior. Fourth--

I say, gorilla man, hands off! I wasn't done asking questions yet!
--------------------

Need to know if the voice is consistant, if it's laugh-out-loud, side-clutching funny, and if it's too Kid reliant. Going to be working on a second version next that's more murder-mystery reliant.


Edit 3:
What the bloody hell is Kaitou Kid doing, holding a heist at a murder site? All this old blood here is making Watson go batty. And those people wandering around dressed as corpses... Very bad taste, I must say. Still, one can't always choose where one works. I suppose I'd best get started then, hadn't I?

Current time: 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds. Current location: Camp Fuck You Die, Louisiana. Odd sense of humour you Americans have. My name is Hakuba Saguru, and I'm here at the request of the local authorities as an expert on the phantom thief 1412, also known as Kaitou Kid. I was told that the director received a heist notice not long ago, and I'd like to ask a few questions.

You there, in the gorilla suit; you look like you know your way around here; maybe you can answer my questions. First, tell me everything you know about the gem that Kid plans to steal. What size is it? What colour? How much is it worth? Are there any strange legends or properties associated with it? When did the Director get it? Who did she get it from? Is it related at all to this murder? What sort of security system do you have set up to protect it? Has anyone else ever tried to--

I say, gorilla man, stop with the grunting and put me down this instant! I wasn't done asking questions yet!

-----------------

Went through with spellcheck. Changed the US spellings to UK spellings where appropriate (I seem to have only missed 'colour'). Still worried about voice, funny, and canon reliance. Will be cleaning it up within the next (half) hour and probably writing the canon after that.

...Still want to put in the banana and condom joke, but am slightly worried about how that would be received. It is historical, but is it modern enough? (For the record, I think it was a mayor of NYC who sponsored public service commercials that demonstrated how to put a condom on a banana, so kids would know how. There followed a huge uproar in the States, and the commercial was pretty much immediately taken off the air, but people in the UK were fairl amused by it, I think? It's been a while since I learned it.)

Anyway, think I have about the right word length even without it, but still want to be sure.


Edit 4:
Character: Hakuba Saguru
Series: Magic Kaito/Detective Conan (AKA, Case Closed)
Age: 17

Canon: Meet Hakuba Saguru, half-British, half-Japanese teenage detective. This stuffed shirt of a seventeen-year-old left his home in London town to go chasing the infamous phantom thief, Kaitou Kid, in Japan. There, he relied on his father's status as Metropolitan Chief of Police to get officers with more experience (but worse observation skills) to listen to him. Upon failing to capture the thief, Hakuba promptly abandoned a dorky catchphrase and an even dorkier outfit, and vowed to be the one to catch the Kid. He currently suspects his classmate, Kuroba Kaito, of being the thief in question, but has no evidence to back his suspicions up.

Hakuba has a somewhat obsessive personality, and has a bad habit of overwhelming people with questions. His prized possession is his pocket watch, which looses only 0.001 second every year, and he greatly enjoys announcing the time by it. He is accompanied in later appearances by his pet Sparrow hawk, Watson, who becomes very excited by the smell of blood. He flirts badly.

Sample entry:
What the bloody hell is Kaitou Kid doing, holding a heist at a murder site? All this old blood here is driving Watson batty. And those people wandering around dressed as corpses... Very bad taste, I must say.

Camp Fuck You Die, was it? Odd sense of humor you Americans have. This is one of the more poorly organized summer camps I've seen. No clear trails, farm animals running everywhere, and the trees are badly in need of trimming. Still, one can't always choose where one works. I suppose I'd best get started then, hadn't I?

Current time: 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds.
Current location: Camp Fuck You Die, Louisiana.
My name is Hakuba Saguru, and I'm here at the request of the local authorities as an expert on the phantom thief 1412, also known as Kaitou Kid. I was told that the director received a heist notice not long ago, though I'm beginning to think it was sent by an imposter. Nevertheless, I'd like to ask a few questions.

You there, in the gorilla suit. You look like you know your way around here; maybe you can answer my questions. First, tell me everything you know about the gem that Kid plans to steal. What size is it? What color? How much is it worth? Are there any strange legends or properties associated with it? When did the Director get it? Who did she get it from? Is it related at all to this murder? What sort of security system do you have set up to protect it? Has anyone else ever tried to--

I say, gorilla man, stop with the grunting and set me down this instant! I wasn't done asking questions yet!

--------

Down to the wire. Beta team, go! Is everything explained in the canon section? Is Hakuba's character evident in both parts, and is it consistant? Any mistakes I need to correct?

After this, I think I may be ready to send it in.


Edit 5: Apps sent in. Now comes the hard part. Unless I distract myself. Ooo look, a butterfly moth!
Edit 6: Making this 'invisible' on at least my LJ. Upon re-reading the app, I have quite a bit less hope for it than I did yesterday. Will start work on Tohru shortly, with any luck. Current prediction for Hakuba: 40% or weeding. That is all.

Comments

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

Dagron suggested the person you're apping for and I volunteered to app Kaito if you apped him. THAT'S how we talked you into it. *beaming smile*

*blinks* Sounds like a plan. My plan? ...wing it *nods*

But we can still discuss details!

I actually think it would be more productive to have Hakuba find out about the murder if and when we--you--someone gets into camp in the first place. But we have to somehow keep canon from taking over your app. *thoughtful look*

[soc_puppet]

Yeah, yeah...

>_< Jevaaaaaa-! Not even a little inkling of what you might do?

Well, that's good at least.

The other problem with him not knowing about the murder in the app is that mine could be too reliant on yours/you getting in. And definitely the canon reliance thing. I should go and read more apps from the last round or two.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

You love us~ ♥

...Socchan. This is me we're talking about. Of course I have like...no clue what I'm going to do. :D

Yeah, except we're going to have to brainstorm like mad (if you're still having problems) tomorrow from like...1 to 5...and then I might have to give my app to you to send in for mebecause I tend to get kicked off around 5...

...good point. So finding out about the murder in the app would actually be a good thing.

[tyrjiora.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaaaaah good luck you two :D!! Now if I can write out the ideas I came up with at work for my reapp... @_@

[soc_puppet]

Thanks ^__^ You, too!

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

Am British and have Hakuba Icons for You~~~! :cD
(I was serious about the 90+ b&w icons.)

And Third time's best?

Although I don't think I can help much with Funny: I fail there. Dc:

[soc_puppet]

OMG. Someone who can check my langauge ♥♥♥ Eternal love. ...Er, I do hope I won't be keeping you up too late, though.
(o_o That's a lot of icons. Note to self: get job so I can buy paid account, should I get in.)

One can hope so :O

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

Hopefully, although I must admit it's more scottish and international british than pure-bred londoner :cp (and I used to confuse American and British spellings) but will try my best?
(And erm, Late? Hahaha. ^^; Well I am on summer vacation so I guess I can sleep in. Is true the time line thingamies are confusing >_o I don't have a clue what time it is for you. )

(And yes, it is a lot. ♥ Mainly Snarky!Hakuba in Holmes suit, but... Can probably add more variety to that.)

Have you reread the MKs on Knightus's site? (or on your HD?)

[soc_puppet]

Fer the love of Pete, someone give me an opinion on these D: (Currently working off the third one. Still unsure. Might have to change it to more murder-centric.)

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

You're doing a lot better than I am, really. XDDD

But I personally liked #1 and #3. So...yeah XDD

[soc_puppet]

Thanks, that helps. I'll look them over a bit more.

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

*pinged*

ah, oops?

Personally liked 3 & 4 most? XcD;

(Remembers the AVALANCHE of Questions Hakuba launched on Nakamori when first meeting him XcDD)

[soc_puppet]

Reassuring to have a backup on #3. And there are parts I'm rather fond of in #4... I may try and squish it and 1 together.

Thanks for your help ^_^

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

I'm not getting any ficcage done, now, am I? =cD
Nevermind, for good cause! ♥

I must have been in France when the brits were amused at the condom ads. :cp

Only way I'd see it fitted in would be for the Gorilla to produce the banana, having Saguru say something like: "And what are you doing with that banana?"
... And I think my brain just froze from going any further. (Owe)

Plus side?
Edit 3 got me to gigle :cD ♥
(I tend not to really laugh out loud, so a giggle from me is a good sign I think :cp )

[soc_puppet]

♥♥♥ I do love you for that, too.

Quite possibly. It could also have been more than twenty years ago, so. I just remember hearing about it in class once :D;;

>_O I think I may skip that. Animal badtouch jokes are usually considered overdone these days, and if I managed a giggle, then I should be... well, I shouldn't do too poorly, at any rate.

Still need to push for words a bit, since I'm under and probably don't have quite enough funny to push me through.

Anyway, two remaining questions. If you knew nothing about DC/MK, would you:
a) still find this funny?
b) want this character in camp?

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

Let's see...

If I didn't know anything about MK/DC...

I'd...
-wonder at who this Kaitou Kid is (canon, plz, marm? :cD)
-who's Watson? (Says no where that She's a Hawk.)
-Buffy-mun would probably like the Britishness for because of Giles (I think.)
-I'd suggest making a new line for the time and then the location. Like this:
Current time: 14:00 hours, 45 minutes, 27.10 seconds.
Current location: Camp Fuck You Die, Louisiana. Odd sense of humour you Americans have.
My n... (etc)

- Maybe you should add "high-school detective" to his description? (my MK-knowledge speaking, sorry.)

-And I like his justified tone at being picked up by the Gorilla.
Just to be able to make him go all huffy and justified by pressing his buttons, I'd like to see him in camp. He seems likeable enough, even if annoying in his "I want to know" and "I do things by the book" way.

But of course, I am biased since I already like this character and like that kind of character in general :cD;;

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

One question and one question only.

He flirts very badly.

...wtf? XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[soc_puppet]

To be precise, he flirts like this. Or rather, that's pretty much the only time I've seen him intentionally flirting with the opposite sex. Anyway, I don't know about you, but that's the kind of flirting that would make me make strange faces.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

...I almost forgot about that scene...XDDD Saguru, you SUCK at flirting. XDD

[soc_puppet]

...Though, to be fair, it could be partially the fault of the translation. But I don't think so.

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

He flirts very badly. *evil snickering goes here. We love you guru~ truly we do.*
Also Gosho, when you do go back to writing MK, please make Saguru and Akako interact sometime? :cD;;;

- Age: 17. I think it said Eighteen in the info for movie 10, but since that's second type Hakuba, and you seem to be going with a mix of the two, I think 17 is fine.

- First sentance of Canon (Stuffed shirt etc...) seems a bit long-winded to me, but works I guess.

- What? Nothing about his catch phrase? Dc: Maybe better to keep his Canon short, but I'm slightly disappointed for Guru's sake XcD;;

- He now suspects his classmate, Kuroba Kaito, of being the thief in question, but has no evidence to back his suspicions up.
In my personal belief he's 100% certain, is just really without evidence. Your sentance explains it better though. ^__^

-His prized possession is his pocket watch, which looses only 0.001 second every year. He still has it in book 30? *goes to check for self* *so he does...* *wth Gosho? Why did you get rid of it? O_o;*

- Canon: In brief? Nice, light, short, with a touch of humor. ♥
Isn't worth a full essay or the manga scans when it comes

- Very bad taste, I must say, even if he does turn out to be a fake. The people disguised as corpse(s)? :cD; *suggests "an impostor", perhaps less confusing.*

- Haha, banana joke seems anecdotish to me, but hey, okay. :cP

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

And wtf, haven't you slept yet? XDD

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

Dc: hm. No?

Third night in a row I'm not sleeping... Just to sleep during the day. Sis'll probably murder me. :c/
I hate it when I feel like procrastinating sleeping. Xc/

*mummbles about fic, kid heists, hot weather and being willingly distracted into helping you two out with your posts.*

[soc_puppet]

Have I mentioned that I love you yet? I have? Oh, well I'll just mention it again, then. ♥♥♥

I think I'll stick with seventeen; his birthday is at the end of August, after all.

I may try cutting that one into two.

I may throw something in during abovementioned cutting? (I'm actually trying to beef up the canon section a teensy bit.)

I also tend to avoid absolutes whenever I can, though Hakuba is probably different ^^a Will have to think on that.

...I have no idea. Possibly? Anyway, that's the reason he announces time and stuff, so I'd better put in a note about that as well. Can't believe I forgot that...


I thought it could've been worded better, but it's the best way to give me an out if Kaito doesn't get in and still have Saguru kinda-sorta-maybe suspect people.

I don't really know if I can do anything about that except take it out. I'll think on it.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

I thought it could've been worded better, but it's the best way to give me an out if Kaito doesn't get in and still have Saguru kinda-sorta-maybe suspect people.

...D: ♥?